Here's Where I Challenge Myself

I really love journaling. I really love to have something to look back on and see where I have come from, or what happened when. I love documenting my children's lives. However, I am terrible at it. I find that I have less and less time just when I think I will have more. There is so much that goes on each month that I just don't even know where to start when I wait so long. I may just have to do a bunch of separate updates at one point, one for the children, one for my spiritual journey, one for my grief journey. Maybe I'll set aside time 3 times a week and do that. Ah, who am I kidding!?

I'll do a quick recap and starting in August, I'll try a new "schedule" for blogging.

I'll start with Claire:

She's become quite the little spitfire. She is hilarious, and knows it. She will do funny stuff on purpose so we laugh at her, and she laughs so hard. I love her heart and her sense of humor. She says the funniest things, most of which I put on facebook to document. She has taken to calling me "heather" when I'm distracted and not answering her "mommy mommy mommy" calls. The girl could swing ALL.DAY.LONG! Seriously. She can't get enough. My husband built a swing set for her in the backyard and she will no longer play in the pool, sandbox, or with her balls. She insists on dressing and undressing herself without help. She even puts her shoes on by herself. I'm not ready for how big she's getting. Not ready at all. I really love this stage, though she's addicted to her doting parents, and the whole "play by yourself" concept is not really there. It's our fault. We are constantly entertaining her, playing with her, engaging her....but a moment to sit down would be nice. I do have to admit. Maybe in a few years. But then again, I will cry if there's ever a day she doesn't want her mommy or daddy to play with her anymore. She's a complete mommy monster right now. I can't go to work without a crying "mommy, you can't go! I miss you!" guilt trip. I can't go to the bathroom without her trailing behind, or forget about me running out by myself for a quick trip to the grocery store. She's my sidekick....and pretty much 99% of the time, I love it. I wouldn't mind her allowing daddy to do a few things though. I am tiring out quickly from being stretched so thin. She got her first ever Hand Foot and Mouth disease encounter. It was AWFUL! She had a 104 fever, didn't eat for 4 days, lost 3 lbs. My skinny minny is even skinnier now! I'm trying to fatten her up. Shouldn't be hard with her sweet tooth, but apparently food goes in and since she never sits still, burns right out. Did I mention she never sits still. Yeah. I'm tired. She has started sleeping til 7am most mornings. How nice of her. Ugh. My day starts so early. Seriously considering throwing a bunch of food on the kitchen table and telling her to help herself in the morning so I can stay in bed. No? Oh right. The babe. He's up by then too. Oh mommyhood.

She wears a 4T or 5T depending on what it is. She literally can still fit in 24 month shorts. She has no butt. She's 38 1/4" and 30lbs. She just turned 3, but you would think she's going on 5. She will tell you she is anyways.

Now onto Dominic:

Oye! This boy has stolen my heart, and I know we'll never be the same again. He has had a rough start to this thing called "life". He can't poop on his own. If I don't do miralax, even one day, I pay for the next few days. Suppositories are a permanent item on the grocery list lately. Usually at least every 2 days, if not more often. He still eats only 4 oz every 2 hours. He won't eat more, and dare you stretch him out past the 2 hr mark....his scream is ear piercing. He will eat 5 oz before he goes to bed at 7pm, and I'll sneak another 5 oz in at 10pm in hopes that one day that will make him last through the night. So far, he's not. He's up around 1am and eats 5oz and then around 5am and eats another 5 oz. He will then only sleep if mommy snuggles him, and is usually up and ready to play by 7am. He eats about 3oz and eats cereal and pears. Then is down for a nap around 9 with a bottle where he will sleep about an hour. He's down around noon where he sleeps anywhere from an hour to 2 hours. He takes his last nap around 4 where he usually only sleeps around 45 min to an hour. His bath is at 6:30pm, and he's down for the count at 7.  He's a growing boy. He just got his first tooth, and the second one is just about ready to poke through. Should be here by the weekend. He rolls over from back to front once in a while. He has no real desire to though. He rolled from front to back for the first time today! I missed it though. I was in the shower. My mother and daughter got to see it and Claire told me all about it, with exact pointing to where he rolled from and to. She's hilarious. She's her mother's daughter all right! Dominic is a mommy monster as well. No one can put him to bed if mommy is home, and if mommy isn't home, he doesn't sleep long. I always come home to a screaming baby and the second I get him, he lays his head on my shoulder, nuzzles his smooshy face into my neck and goes to sleep. Punk. Have I mentioned I'm exhausted from being the only one? We've tried "forcing" daddy, and it's not worth it. I don't need the lectures of "you'll regret it" either. If you know me at all, I won't regret it. I may be tired now, but I know there will be a day, and it could be all too soon, that this won't be the case anymore. I want to cherish every moment. Every exhausting, tiring, emotionally pulling moment. He is always smiling. He had his first illness. Pneumonia. Sucks. Poor guy couldn't breath. It was so scary. We got through it, and I'm thankful he bounced back so well. He loves talking and kissing and laughing. He's my little thrill seeker. He loves to be thrown up in the air, or feel like he is falling. He giggles so hard. It's the best sound. He brings such joy to my heart.

He is wearing mostly 9 month clothing. He can fit in some 6 month stuff. He's in size 3 diapers. He's 26+ inches long now and last weighed at 18lbs, but I'm almost sure he's closer to 20 now. He JUST turned 5 months old. Can we say giant?

Can we skip the rest? No? Challenge yourself heather. Push....

Spiritually, I'm doing well. I am hungry for God's word. For practical ways to live out His word. I have recently been following a blog that challenges me in my walk daily. Most recently about how we need to be still. We are so used to getting our answers to our questions immediately from Google, or having Facebook right at our fingertips and therefore never truly being alone. We expect to pray and the answer be right there. For me especially. I want immediate answers to my prayers. I cry out in desperation and can get immediate attention from Facebook, or Google...but not God......or so I had begun to think. I need to step away and take more time for the Holy Spirit to nurture my soul. I've also taken on the attitude that my children are my ministry. Instead of being frustrated from the crying, being up all night, the whining, the mommy monsterness....I look at it like they are my ministry. I need to nurture them, reach out, calm them. They are my reason to keep going right now. I'm working on that one still at some points, but I'm really trying. They are only little once. And any moment it could all be gone. You can call it morbid or whatever, but I don't care. I want to live each day, each moment with my children, like it could be their last. It could be our last snuggle, our last sneak in of a snack, our last staying up just a bit longer....I want to make memories, and I want to look back and have no regrets. It may be tough right now, but it won't be tough forever. I'm willing to stretch myself now so that I know I did all I possibly could for them while they needed it most. I don't want to take the easy road, the relaxing road. I want to take the play so hard I wanna crash, snuggle so much I need a few showers, and sleep when I have a chance road.

As for my grief journey...that WILL have to wait. It's been tough since Dominic's been born, And these upcoming weeks are going to be even tougher. We've already started the planning for the triplet's birthday, but my heart aches. It is literally torn between two places and I just don't see it getting easier. I miss my children so much my heart aches most of every day. Like a physical ache. My head is swimming with trying to stay in touch with reality while daydreaming about what life on earth with 5 children would be like. My tears come so easy, and so I must wait to write more.

 I'll leave you with a few photos of my loves.

"Little Miss Sass"

Always hungry

Facetiming Daddy at work

Her cheese smile

Loves to give kisses!

"Coffee" and Target date. Her favorite!

Boy, do they love each other!

Family

 

A triple cloud. I've never seen one before, and I looked up right when I needed too. After I snapped this photo I looked back up and the cloud was completed dispersed!

 



:Insert Anxiety Attack Here:

Tomorrow will be, by far, the most challenging day at work I've ever had. I have had no less than 10 anxiety attacks since yesterday afternoon. Yesterday, at about 2pm, I received a phone call from a prospective father. He was asking if we were accepting infants into our program. This is how the conversation went:

Father: Hi, I was wondering if your center accepts infants.

Me: Yes, we have children from 6 weeks to 5 years old.

Father: Is there an opening now?

Me: Let me grab my book and find out. When is your child's birth date?

Father: May 10th. But we won't need childcare for another 3 weeks.

Me: Yes, we do have an opening.

Father: How about 3?

Me: (choking on my saliva), 3?

Father: Yes, they are triplets.

Me: (still choking), yes. We actually do have 3 spots.

Father: Can I come Wednesday to look at the center? How much is it?

Me: blah blah blah blah, yes, blah blah blah blah

Father: Ok, my wife will be bringing the triplets.

Me: speechless...........

Father: Ok, see you Wednesday at 10

Me: Alright, see you then.



Insert anxiety attack.

Triplets. Never, ever, in my life have I encountered triplets since I gave birth to mine. And NEVER, ever in the 13 years I've worked here have we ever had a family with triplets need care.

Insert anxiety attack.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to form words? How am I going to look at those 3 precious miracles and not be envious of why they got to survive and my children didn't?

Insert anxiety attack.

Wednesday. Like as in tomorrow.

Insert anxiety attack.

Why didn't he start the conversation out with he was looking for care for triplets?! Why couldn't I have just made something up and said we didn't have room!?

Insert anxiety attack.

When these triplets start in 3 weeks, I will have to look at them every day. Dominic is in the same class as these triplets. I will have to see all the milestones my triplets missed. I will have to look at everyone "oooo" and "ahhhh" about how there are triplets here.

Insert anxiety attack.

I am not built for this kind of stress. I can feel my body, my mind, shut down. This past almost 2 yrs has been the hardest of my life. There isn't a day I don't think about my children in heaven, or talk to them, or blow them kisses, or wish they were here. And now, I will be reminded even in the moments that my mind gets a break from the grief.

Insert anxiety attack.

Maybe this is the Lord testing me. My trust in Him. My words of strength that I profess. Maybe this is the Lord showing me that I am stronger than I've felt in a long time.

I don't want to be tested. I don't want to be stronger. I don't want these children in my center. I don't want to give this tour, and right now, I don't even want to who I am. I wish I didn't have the story that I have. I wish I could pick up and move and start again. I wish I could forget that I'm the mother of children in heaven. I wish my triplets were here. I wish a lot of things. Things that aren't and can't ever be.

Insert anxiety attack here.

We sang a song in VBS this morning that brought tears to my eyes. I had to leave. "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. no more crying there. we are going to see the King. no more crying there we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, going to see the King."

Oh how I wish singing that song would make Jesus come right now. I can't wait for no more crying. I can't wait for no more dying. And I really can't wait to hold my children again and cover their faces in kisses.

If you think of it, pray for me tomorrow around 10am. I would rather not break down and embarrass myself on this tour. Though, maybe they would decide not to come here because of the "crazy lady".

Vacation

It's been nearly 3 yrs since we have gone on a vacation. We went to our usual place at Siesta Key, FL, but my daughter was so difficult then, we tapped out. We spent most of our time at my mother-in-laws instead. Then I got pregnant with triplets, travel was OUT of the question. Then we lost the triplets and I couldn't bear to go anywhere without them. Now we stand, nearly 2 yrs after our loss, and really, really needing a vacation. Anthony and I were fighting every day. Our families were driving us crazy with their unnecessary opinions on how we were raising out children (that could be a blog in and of itself!), my daughter was very emotional and needing more individualized attention, and mommy and daddy needed to not worry about the everyday stresses of life. We scheduled our trip before Dominic was even born, and boy was the timing absolutely perfect. Packing was chaotic, and the vacation was not like they once were when they were "childless", but the look on my daughters face every morning going to the beach, the fun memories created, and the beautiful traditions we want to uphold, all worth the sleepless nights and days that we endured.

I procrastinated in packing which made it a bit more stressful, but I work better under pressure, so there's that plus. The morning we were leaving I text my friend "Is it weird that I want to pack my children's urns with me?!" Only a very few people could I say that to and not seem creepy or weird. She is one of them. I wish they could have experienced the Gulf with us as a family, but they are one better now, chillin' with the One who made that ocean. That thought was the most comforting on the entire trip every time I was feeling guilty for enjoying the moments with my family that is here on this earth. Weird place to be. Awkward. Living life here without some of my children. Missing them, but enjoying the ones I am blessed with here.

Anyways, the trip down was smooth, unless you count the fact that we missed our boarding call and were the LAST ones to get on the plane, and there were no 2 seats together. Finally, finding 2 seats together, it was me, my almost 3 yr old at the time, and my infant son. My husband was behind me after someone finally decided to take pity on us, and my mother sat 5 rows up. That was fun. Can't wait to do that again. No one lost it on the plane, tantrum or digestive wise. Dominic had an explosive diaper, all over me and him. Que naked baby on the plane. Claire pooped (thankfully we had put her in a diaper just in case), and so Anthony had to change her standing up. In and airplane bathroom. Bumping both their heads on any and everything. Camera's should follow us. They really should. I'd tune in to watch! It's comical now. Then, I think I developed an ulcer right there on that 2 1/2 hr flight.

We had a whirlwind stay at my mother-in-laws and celebrated Claire's birthday in a BIG way. My mother-in-law was beaming ear to ear. She doesn't get to spend many birthdays with the kids being so far away. The first night both kids screamed bloody murder and wouldn't go to bed. At around 10pm they were finally both passed out, and so was mom and dad. For like an hour. That first night was ROUGH. Then we left for our condo on Siesta Key Beach. That night was just as rough. Dominic was up every hour one night. Every 20 minutes the next. NO lie. I saw 3am, 3:20am, 3:40am, and so on. But we mustered up the energy to play at the beach and pool every day. Claire saw the white sandy beach for the first time (Siesta Key beach is the #2 beach in America, known for it's white, powder like sand), and she shouted "SNOW!" Yup, we are from NY folks. Anything white and covering the ground is assumed snow. She loved to get buried in the sand, and play in the tide pools, and just run all over the beach. I don't think she stopped giggling for 3 days! It was so wonderful seeing her so happy, and getting to celebrate who she is and the miracle that is her. We got mani's and Pedi's one day. She absolutely loved that.

Our trip home was better in that we all got to sit together on the plane ride home, and no one puked or pooped. Hooray! We got home close to 10pm and everyone was whooped! Anthony, Claire, and Dominic literally slept ALL day Sunday. They are both pretty much back to their routines as well, which really helps in the "mommy needs her sleep" department.

There are more pictures than the average person would care to view on here, so you can check them out on my facebook if you like, just look for me @ heathermarie if you aren't on there already. I'll leave you with a few of my favs though:

 just chillin at the beach

 

 us girls getting our mani's and Pedi's

 

 my brave girl catching some sun (in the shade)

 

 one of her fav things to do on the beach

 

 just her size palm tree

 

 my beach bum

 

 our footprints...just missing a few pairs

 

 another day, another bury

 

 so excited to be going to the beach!

 

 dipping his toes in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time

 

"we are going to the beach again!? hooray!!!"

Mother's Day Musings

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonders.

I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing praise to your name,

O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2

 

 

My children on Mother's Day 2013

Me with my children

The cutest piggies in all the world!

 

 

 

Mother's Day was bittersweet. You read anyone's blog who has lost a child or more than one child, but have a child or more than one child on this earth, and they will resonate the same thing. I am thankful for Claire and Dominic. Beyond blessed by God allowing them in my life, as my children. I still miss my other children greatly though. And since Dominic has been born, it's way different. Mothering after a loss is different, but mothering after a loss and then having another child after the loss is sometimes more than my heart can handle. I feel inadequate. I feel overwhelmed. I cry at a lot (and I thought before I cried at a lot!!!). I feel unworthy.

 

I know that I know that I know that satan has been working overtime to get to my heart these past few months. The fear, the anxiety, the overwhelming feelings, none of them are from God. I read a blog that put exactly what I repeat to myself over and over again, or should I say satan screams it at me over and over again, this morning. I forget how I stumbled upon it, but I copy and pasted it thankfully, because it was filled with scriptures reminding me that the lies are just that, lies. God is truth. God is love. God is. And I need to remind myself that throughout the day. Satan lies. All the time. He is the Father of Lies. And I have been buying into them.

 

 

To this lie: "He took them because you wouldn't have been a good mom to them. You wouldn't be able to handle it. You have a very busy toddler, and now look, with Dominic, you can barely handle those 2! Let alone 3 more that are the same age and barely 2!"

 

I will believe:
Nathan, Malia and Anthony Jr's brief lives have brought God so much glory.  They had to leave for grand, eternal, cosmic reasons that my finite mind can't understand until one gloriously enlightening day.  It has nothing to do with my skills as a mother. God doesn't "punish" His  children for human inadequacies, because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

 

 

To this lie:"He'll do this again you know.  Hurt you, take things from you."

I will say:

Job 2:10 - Shall we only accept good from God and not adversity?

Job 1:20 - The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be His name.

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those with a contrite spirit.

 

 

To this lie: "You're so different now.  Your husband doesn't know you or love you anymore."

I will say:

God allowed this into my life for a reason - I know it will make me into the vessel He want me to be.  I need to allow losing Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr to refine me and not define me and everything will be ok.

To this lie: "You can't have children on your own because God doesn't think you should be a mom."

I will say:

I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Deliver my life from the wicked ... from the men whose portion is in this life ... they are satisfied with children ... as for me, I will see your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.  Psalm 17:13-15

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things; sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:34


To this lie: "Heaven is so far away.  You're clinging to hope that's so distant.  Where is the comfort in that?"

I will say:

Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:12

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, if working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.  2 Corinthians 4:17

I would have lost heart if I had not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Psalm 27:13


To this lie: "You're a good person.  He gives bad mothers, abusive mothers, neglectful mothers, teenage mothers who can't provide for children armfuls of children.  Where is the justice?"

I will say:
 But we are all like an unclean thing, all our righteousness' are like filthy rags.  Isaiah 64:6

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23

But God demonstrates His love toward us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8


To this lie: "Do you still believe in the power of prayer?  Do you remember what God did with your requests for healthy babies?"

I will say:

God make all things work together for the good of His kingdom.

1 John 1:5 - God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. 

Romans 8:1 - There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the spirit.  

2 Corinthians 3:17 - Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty ... enlightenment ... deliverance ... privilege ... 

 

In these things, I hope to find the peace and freedom that is in Christ. Because this burden or lies that has entangled themselves around my neck is drowning me. And I have a family to enjoy. I have a Lord to lift up and glorify.

 

I'm trying.

 

I feel like I'm being tested

Life as I knew it has once again changed. Not for the worse, not for the better, but a change none the less. My son is allergic to soy and dairy. Reacts to all juices we've tried, and has been on and since taken off reflux meds. He can't poop. He will try, and try, and try, turn beat red, push, grunt, struggle, pass gass. Have a bowel movement, he does not. Not without the help of a suppository, or the probing of a qtip or thermometer. Even then, he usually only moves either a foamy green mess, or less than a tablespoon of dry, thick, sludge. For the most part, he's a happy boy. He is all smiles, even in his discomfort. We've moved from formula to formula to formula. He's now on neocate. It's predigested. It's amino acids are broken down into single amino acids, no strands for his body to break down. Yet still, constipated. I've stopped the meds that supposidely constipate him, and he's still constipated. I've tried prune juice, and pear juice, and he's screamed for hours after ingesting them. Today, I'm venturing to apple juice, though trying another juice scares me. Dominic is so sensitive, he can be clear skinned one moment, and we walk outside, or to the car, or at daycare, and the next second he is covered in a rash from the top of his head to the bottom of his torso. His skin is cracked and bleeding. He keeps his hands in such tight fists, I noticed the other day that the creases where his fingers meet his palm are cracked, bleeding, and the skin is peeling away. My son is a hot mess, and no appointments to the dr have brought any resolve. Our GI appointment is so far away I want to scream! I know things could be worse, way worse, but my son, at 10 1/2 weeks of age has known nothing but discomfort and I absolutely hate it.

With that said, I sometimes find myself angry again with God. Why does my son have to suffer to prove a point to me!? (Now, I know God is not proving a point and making my son suffer to do this, but I'm stating my feelings. Don't think I"m all "losing my faith" and nonsense). I sometimes feel like God didn't allow me to raise my triplets because He thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. That I would fail, or put them in harms way, or suck big time. I sometimes would feel like God thinks I didn't do a good enough job with Claire, so He wouldn't give me another child. Then, when we got pregnant with Dominic and had complication after complication, I thought that God was saying watch yourself, because at anytime I can take him right out from under you! We prayed and prayed and prayed, for health, safety, etc. You name it, we prayed it over Dominic. Now that he's here, and struggling with different "health" issues, I feel like God is saying, "I'm giving you another chance. Are you truly grateful for any child, or just the ones that are easy?" I feel like I can't possibly complain about how hard it is to have a son who is constantly reacting to something in the environment, or his food, or not having a bowel movement, up most of the night struggling to poop and losing sleep, therefore, causing me to get little to no sleep most nights. I don't want to complain. I am very conscious that at the blink of an eye this could all change, and I would be begging to have those sleepless nights again, or begging to have such "minor" issues. So I don't complain. I look into my son's eyes and I see his siblings. All of them. He falls asleep with his mouth open and I have to turn away because it's like looking into Anthony Jr's face all over again. Reminding me what death looks like. I hurt because my son hurts. I want his pain and discomfort to stop. I want to know that this is a phase and nothing is seriously wrong. I want answers, but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm tired. I'm broken. I want answers. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be with my children and not at work. I would camp out at the dr's if it meant I would be able to give my son relief now. I hate that this just may be his lot for a while. I will never resent having these issues. I will never wish Dominic was different. I would never wish this time away. I just don't want him in pain or discomfort anymore. And I would really like to stop feeling like my every thought and action is being put to the test. It's draining.

Siblings

I'm so glad my daughter has a sibling on this earth she can love on. She is so enamored with her brother it brings me to tears every time. She is always asking to hold him. She kisses and hugs him constantly. This morning I left Dominic home with daddy and Claire came to school with me. She gave him a kiss and a hug (multiple times, it's always "one more! just one more! no, five more!") Then she said, "love you dom-nic, have good day!" and marched out the door. She still kisses my necklace every chance she gets, and talks about Nathan, Malia and Anthony being with Jesus and going to see them some day. It breaks my heart that she can't give them the love and affection she gives to her brother. she is the best big sister. The other day, I was making dinner. Dominic was sitting in his little seat on the counter in the kitchen with me. He started to fuss, and Claire ran to get his nuk for him. Then she ran back to the living room and brought him his blanket. She tucked it around him and said "here you go. don't fuss. it's ok." Seriously. This kid isn't even 3 yet. She has the biggest heart I've ever seen in a kid. She's always been a sensitive little spirit, and I am so very thankful for her heart and the person God is shaping her into being. Dominic is just as enamored by Claire as she is by him. He lights up when she walks into the room. He is all smiles for her all the time. If she's around he is focused on her, watching her run, twirl, dance, sing. He is so in love with her. I've told him about his siblings in heaven, and can't wait to tell him more. I have not showed him the picture album just yet. I don't think I can without shaking and crying. I've been missing the triplets terribly lately, and going over how Dominic will never know them on this earth just breaks my heart even more. Someday. Hopefully soon.  Here are some pictures of them loving eachother:

 always kissing him!

 

 talking to him, and he's talking back.

 

 more kisses!

 

 he's kissing her back!

 

 they love eachother!

 

 tired from all the kissing

 

 my sweet boy

 

 she's so silly, always trying to get you to laugh

 

 works on him!

 

oh how i love her sweetness!

 

Back to the Grind

I went back to work this week. Overall, it was a successful week. Broken down, I was a hot mess. Monday I must have cried at least 10 times. Wait til you hear the silly part! THEY ARE 500yds from me, 5 stairs up in the center that I am Program Director at! I know....I have it much better than most, but it's still not home with the ability to snuggle them ALL DAY LONG! Tuesday went fantastic. Both kids did great in their respective daycare classes. I got lots of work done, in fact pretty much caught up on my 7 weeks of being away. Wednesday was rough. I was up all night with Dominic and he was refusing to eat more than 1/2oz at a time every few hours. I took him to the dr, and by the afternoon he was doing really well. Thursday they were only in daycare 1/2 a day and daddy picked them up and they finished out the week at home. Friday I got a frantic phone call that Dominic wouldn't eat anything (he was up again all night, and didn't eat more than 3 oz in the 12 hr night), and he had projectile vomited 3 times. I was a puddle of tears. How was I supposed to be away from my baby for so long when something was wrong. I finally got home and he was all smiles. I fed him an ounce and he projectile vomited all over. I tried again a little while later and he did it again, twice. My son had not eaten more than 10 ounces in 26 hours. I was so worried. My husband convinced me to wait to go to the dr until the morning, and I reluctantly agreed. He slept until 2am, hadn't eaten a thing since his 7pm drinking/vomiting sesh. He guzzled 4 ounces, pooped, and laid in my arms smiling. We prayed, and by 3:30 he was sleeping again. He didn't wake until 6am where he guzzled another 4 ounces, and another 2 after that, and then laid in bed with me all smiles. How do I take this smiling, seemingly healthy baby to the dr today!? Is this just him? Every once in a while he'll boycott eating? (Believe me, he's not lacking on the gaining weight department!) I am at a loss. Did he have a stomach bug? Was his acid reflux just so bad he couldn't hold anything down? Is there something more serious and hidden going on inside his tiny little body (I use tiny loosely here!)? It's so hard to work knowing my son is at home, or my daughter is at home wanting mommy. Someday, I'll be able to stay home with them.

It's Saturday now though. Daddy and Claire are grocery shopping. Mommy and Dominic are trying to work out if we're going to the dr this morning, or will wait it out. I've collected poopy diapers just in case though. I'm not fooling around if I do go, I want answers. Even if the answer is "he's fine". WHY oh WHY didn't I go to school to become a dr? Oh yeah, cause while my son was vomiting all over me last night, I was gagging.