Ramblings of a crazy woman

Isn't it funny when you reflect on life, and it isn't at all what you thought it would be? Not always funny "ha ha", but funny just the same? Not so much? Well, not for me either then.

Life has been a little much lately. And not in the "I'm at the end of my rope and going to commit myself" kinda much, but the "I wish I could lay in bed all day and cry while clutching my pillow" kinda much. They are the same thing you say? Well I'll be....

I'll admit, I don't have it all together, I don't have all the answers, and I don't know what's going to happen from minute to minute in my emotions. I would say I'm a bit crazy, but that's just me. It's been a roller coaster of a year for me. One year ago, on April 11, 2011 we had our IUI done that impregnated us with sextuplets. Exciting, scary, humbling, worried. All emotions that went through my head as we were being inseminated. "Would this finally work?", "I wish my body wasn't broken", "Can't believe we could be pregnant!"....2 weeks later, EASTER of 2011, we found out we were in fact pregnant. We made my daughter's t-shirt "I'm the BIG sister!" to reveal to our family. I knew there was more than one baby right away when the line was SUPER dark.

I cried a lot on Easter. I couldn't believe that last year that holiday was so exciting for us to be able to reveal we were pregnant again, and that year came and went, and still no live children to give to Claire as siblings. Monday, I was unstable on and off throughout the day. Hiding out at work when I could to allow myself to "feel" my emotions. Tuesday was a bit better, and then Wednesday hit. All day I was distracted because the 11th is also my husband's birthday. So we filled our day celebrating the man I get to call my husband, and my daughter gets to call daddy. I thought about the IUI often, but stuffed it down. I didn't want to ruin my husband's birthday with "overflowing crazy"....it can easily be done you know. So that night, after I put my daughter to bed I fell apart. I couldn't believe it had been a year. I couldn't believe the first time I carried my sextuplets had already been a year. It was the longest, and yet shortest, year of my life. I talked to my husband and tried not to let on how upset I was throughout the night (he was at work). I cried myself to sleep, clutching my 3 teddy bears, and my pillow. I woke up this morning feeling a bit more "normal"....and then I came to work. I saw an article about a baby born in Argentina that was pronounced dead, and 12 hours later while the mother was opening the casket to take one last look at her child, the baby cried out. I lost it, right in my office. I quickly hid and calmed myself down. That was a moment of unhinging, a moment that set the rest of my day to an on and off crying episode. I just never know when it's going to hit, when I'm going to get so teary and upset I have to walk away.

Rough few days for me. It doesn't help that I'm pumping hormones into my body either right now, but I can't blame that entirely. I am an emotional unpredictability on and off the meds for some time now.

I hope to leave this crazy lady behind someday soon, but she won't quit following me....so it may be awhile. I'm also getting used to her, and kinda wonder what it would be like if she did leave....

Told you it was ramblings of a crazy woman....