"oh blah di, oh blah da"

I have opened this blog to write at least 3 or 4 times in the last week. I have a lot to say, and at the same time, I just can't find the words.

"oh blah di, oh blah da, life goes ooon, aaaa, la la la la life goes on" ...silly, I know. That song, the theme song to that old t.v show "Life Goes On", goes through my mind often. Life goes on. It's so simple, yet so complicated.

It's been a hard road to navigate. The road of grief is so unpredictable. I find myself laughing, smiling, feeling joy again. And it's not fake. Then. All of a sudden. I'm in a ball on my bedroom floor crying, asking God "why, why does this have to be part of my journey".

A lot of people I know, whether friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, have found out they were pregnant in the last few months, or they have had their babies. I can honestly say I am so incredibly happy for them. Whether or I know them well or not, I have cried at each moment I either found out or saw through pictures, etc, that their baby arrived. Safe. Healthy. Alive. I can empathize with the feelings of wonder and awe at seeing your baby for the first time. At the love that is intensified when you see your child face to face, whether it's the 1st, 2nd, 3rd child. While I'm incredibly happy for them, I am also incredibly sad. Why them? Why not me? How come I'm still struggling to add to my family while everyone around me is adding to theirs, some not even trying? I don't have that answer. I know no one does. I just have to trust in those moments. God has already ordained the day, the hour, the moment I will bring another child into my family. I dream of that moment though. I don't know how we will bring another child into our family, but I know God does.

Life goes on. Unfortunately.