Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle on my little stars. Mommy and daddy and your sister sing this....and it always makes me think of you three.

love you to heaven and back!  ~ mommy

Keeping up with Claire

I just realized I haven't written about my little miracle this month. I feel like she does something new daily, and most of it keeps us laughing. She tries so hard to be a little comedian. She has started speaking in "sentences" over the last few weeks. Stringing 2, 3, 4 words together....to me...is pretty amazing. I can't believe how much she soaks in. I have worked with children for almost 12 years at my job, and I have watched many children grow up before me...but never my own. Never have I been more amazed. Here are a few (ok, maybe more than a few) things she's doing now:

• She says "want some" EVERY.SINGLE.TIME my husband and I eat anything. Even if we know for a fact she hates it, even if she has tried it before and spit it out. There is no reasoning with her though, so we always let her try it again. Besides, she may like it after a few tries. 
• She copies body gestures like it's her job. I caught her crossing her arms in front of her chest in the tub the other night. It made me laugh out loud. The next night at dinner I saw my husband sitting across the table with his arms crossed across her chest. I looked at my daughter, and sure enough, she was trying to get her arms just like daddy.
• She tried to rest her head on her fist laying on her side today. She wasn't quite that coordinated just yet, but it was hilarious watching her try.
• She got her upper 2 yr molars this week. I have to say she is THE.BEST teether ever. Every single tooth has come right on schedule, and other than chewing on everything in sight, sleeping a bit more, and maybe being a little whiny, she cuts teeth like it's nothing. 
• She is getting really fast running. So fast, you can actually see her little legs move faster than her body follows her, and it usually ends up in her tripping and falling from being off balance. Though, we laughed one time, and the comedian that she is, she does it on purpose now often, so it's hard to tell if she's falling or throwing herself onto the floor.
• She repeats everything. Her vocab is expanding by the hour. 
• Everything is "green". Everything. 
• She is changing her baby's diaper. Full routine of wiping, diaper cream, and new diaper. Then, she shakes the baby and says "shoosh shoosh shoosh". She will lay the baby down and say "nie nie" (night night) and pat the baby's head. It's the cutest. I tell her all the time what a good mommy she will be...in 30 years....when we let her leave the house and see boys for the first time...
• Miss Independent wants to go up and down the stairs by herself. Up stairs, she is really good at. Down stairs, not so much. She has no real perception, and walks like it's normal and trips a lot. What can I say? She's clumsy like her mom. Needless to say, I make her hold my hand for now going down the stairs.
• She also always says "walk" if I'm carrying her. She refuses to hold my hand if we are by a parking lot, so it usually ends in me carrying a kicking and screaming toddler through the parking lot into the store or our car. I always give her the choice of me carrying her or her holding my hand. She picks neither. So mommy gets to pick for her. Doesn't end well. She's a stubborn one. That's for sure.
• She likes to run around the stairs in the house. It's a rectangle path, and she will say "run, run, run. c'mon mommy/daddy". If we don't get up to run, she will go behind us and push us. It's hilarious. I love that she is so strong-willed. And it's also quite a pain in my rear. 
• Somehow she has gotten obsessed with buses. She will see one go by the house, or while we are out driving and screeches "a bus!" And when it is out of eyesight, "more, more bus!". We count them every day. Even when I'm not with her I find myself counting them. Oh she is so funny! 

All this talk about her makes me want to go wake her up and kiss and hug and snuggle her! She makes me laugh so much every day. I can't think of anything else right now, though I'm sure there are a million more things. She makes my heart full every single day. Every night while rocking her and telling her how much I love her, and how much Jesus loves her I cry. I can't help it. My heart is so full, and I can't even imagine how full our God's heart is. Tonight, we talked about Jesus making heaven ready to be our home, and how her brothers and sister are already there waiting for us. I asked her if she was excited to go to heaven and see them. She said "yesh" and smiled really big and tried to get out of my lap to go there. I know she doesn't get that it's a place we can't go to by car or bus or walking....but I can't wait for that day, because I know there are 3 of us right now that can't WAIT to get there. 

"oh"

Twice in the past month, at different dr's, have I been asked what my necklace is. I wear a necklace every single day that is a short "tube like" looking pendant with a birthstone on the bottom. It is a little of each of my triplets ashes. I wear it proudly, and am always ready to talk about it if asked. Usually, no one says anything. The first time I was asked Iwas getting my blood drawn. The phlebotomist asked "what is your necklace?" I hesitated thinking....not sure you really want to know but..."It's some of the ashes of my triplets that I lost 7 months ago."  To which she responds, "oh". Silence for the remainder of the draw.

"Oh"??? that is your response? I don't need a gushing response. I don't need pity or hug or anything like that. I have no expectations. BUT, manners tell me if someone tells me something like that, you would at least respond with an "I'm sorry". Or maybe a "That's terrible, I'm sorry". If you don't really care though, don't ask a person about their "odd-shaped" necklace.

Today, at my ortho appointment, the dr, the MAIN dr, stopped mid-sentence of telling my about my new bone growth to ask what my necklace was all about. Exactly like that, "What's your necklace all about?" I again hesitated, cause honestly, I know how this goes down. I responded with "It's the ashes to my 3 children I lost last summer." The dr's response...."Oh. Ok". Then he continued to talk about my tendons and tissue damage.

"Oh. Ok"??? Are you for real? Are you a trained professional? A dr, no less!? And no one has ever taught you manners on how to respond to someone else's tragedy?

I'm baffled. Maybe tragedy has never touched their lives. Though, I know plenty of people who have offered up sympathy to my family in the last almost 8 months, that have not had much tragedy ever touch their lives, if any. I know that before this happened, when someone told me that someone they knew died, I offered up my apologies and sympathies to them. Whether it was a close friend, or a distant relative, or a neighbor they barely knew, "I'm sorry for your loss", or "That's so sad, I'm sorry", or something else similar would be my response. It's simple manners. It's part of being a polite, kind, caring society.

I know this world is filled with more evil than good, but seriously..."oh" is the new sympathetic response? This makes me feel even more justified in sheltering my daughter from this self-centered world than before.

Home

Dearest Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr, 

Love you to heaven and back,

mommy

run ons

i had a dr's appointment today. i am on an extremely high dose of meds because nothing was working, and i have been on them since march 23rd. everyday. with blood work every 3 to 4 days. my numbers are pretty high, so i had to go in for an ultrasound. my dr is out of town though. so it's the partner that i got to see today. ultrasound started. nothing in the right ovary except for a million tiny eggs doing absolutely nothing. move on over to the left. nothing. nothing going on there either. it was over fast. "let's talk in my office after you get dressed". that is never good. never. i go across the hall to sit down and discuss that there is absolutely no logical reason why with the high dosage of meds, and how high my numbers are that there aren't any eggs developing. he said there are obviously millions in there, but the meds aren't making them work. something in my brain is counteracting the meds. there aren't many options right now. i had to go for blood work to check my thyroid. again. and though i doubt it's my thyroid, we'll see. because my dr is out of town until monday, we can't sit down and talk until then. i had to abandon this cycle because i am too dangerously high with the dosage and for so long that even if it works to develop an egg now, my lining is too thick to allow the baby to attach to my uterine wall. tmi? i know. sorry. it's my life. so i wait. more. and i cry as my husband holds me and tells me everything will be alright. i did tell him if he said that one more time today though, that i would punch him. fair warning. i'm not in the mood to be coddled. i want to be angry. i want to scream the volatile words that are going through my head. so be warned.

"oh blah di, oh blah da"

I have opened this blog to write at least 3 or 4 times in the last week. I have a lot to say, and at the same time, I just can't find the words.

"oh blah di, oh blah da, life goes ooon, aaaa, la la la la life goes on" ...silly, I know. That song, the theme song to that old t.v show "Life Goes On", goes through my mind often. Life goes on. It's so simple, yet so complicated.

It's been a hard road to navigate. The road of grief is so unpredictable. I find myself laughing, smiling, feeling joy again. And it's not fake. Then. All of a sudden. I'm in a ball on my bedroom floor crying, asking God "why, why does this have to be part of my journey".

A lot of people I know, whether friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, have found out they were pregnant in the last few months, or they have had their babies. I can honestly say I am so incredibly happy for them. Whether or I know them well or not, I have cried at each moment I either found out or saw through pictures, etc, that their baby arrived. Safe. Healthy. Alive. I can empathize with the feelings of wonder and awe at seeing your baby for the first time. At the love that is intensified when you see your child face to face, whether it's the 1st, 2nd, 3rd child. While I'm incredibly happy for them, I am also incredibly sad. Why them? Why not me? How come I'm still struggling to add to my family while everyone around me is adding to theirs, some not even trying? I don't have that answer. I know no one does. I just have to trust in those moments. God has already ordained the day, the hour, the moment I will bring another child into my family. I dream of that moment though. I don't know how we will bring another child into our family, but I know God does.

Life goes on. Unfortunately.

Ramblings of a crazy woman

Isn't it funny when you reflect on life, and it isn't at all what you thought it would be? Not always funny "ha ha", but funny just the same? Not so much? Well, not for me either then.

Life has been a little much lately. And not in the "I'm at the end of my rope and going to commit myself" kinda much, but the "I wish I could lay in bed all day and cry while clutching my pillow" kinda much. They are the same thing you say? Well I'll be....

I'll admit, I don't have it all together, I don't have all the answers, and I don't know what's going to happen from minute to minute in my emotions. I would say I'm a bit crazy, but that's just me. It's been a roller coaster of a year for me. One year ago, on April 11, 2011 we had our IUI done that impregnated us with sextuplets. Exciting, scary, humbling, worried. All emotions that went through my head as we were being inseminated. "Would this finally work?", "I wish my body wasn't broken", "Can't believe we could be pregnant!"....2 weeks later, EASTER of 2011, we found out we were in fact pregnant. We made my daughter's t-shirt "I'm the BIG sister!" to reveal to our family. I knew there was more than one baby right away when the line was SUPER dark.

I cried a lot on Easter. I couldn't believe that last year that holiday was so exciting for us to be able to reveal we were pregnant again, and that year came and went, and still no live children to give to Claire as siblings. Monday, I was unstable on and off throughout the day. Hiding out at work when I could to allow myself to "feel" my emotions. Tuesday was a bit better, and then Wednesday hit. All day I was distracted because the 11th is also my husband's birthday. So we filled our day celebrating the man I get to call my husband, and my daughter gets to call daddy. I thought about the IUI often, but stuffed it down. I didn't want to ruin my husband's birthday with "overflowing crazy"....it can easily be done you know. So that night, after I put my daughter to bed I fell apart. I couldn't believe it had been a year. I couldn't believe the first time I carried my sextuplets had already been a year. It was the longest, and yet shortest, year of my life. I talked to my husband and tried not to let on how upset I was throughout the night (he was at work). I cried myself to sleep, clutching my 3 teddy bears, and my pillow. I woke up this morning feeling a bit more "normal"....and then I came to work. I saw an article about a baby born in Argentina that was pronounced dead, and 12 hours later while the mother was opening the casket to take one last look at her child, the baby cried out. I lost it, right in my office. I quickly hid and calmed myself down. That was a moment of unhinging, a moment that set the rest of my day to an on and off crying episode. I just never know when it's going to hit, when I'm going to get so teary and upset I have to walk away.

Rough few days for me. It doesn't help that I'm pumping hormones into my body either right now, but I can't blame that entirely. I am an emotional unpredictability on and off the meds for some time now.

I hope to leave this crazy lady behind someday soon, but she won't quit following me....so it may be awhile. I'm also getting used to her, and kinda wonder what it would be like if she did leave....

Told you it was ramblings of a crazy woman....