The Process

I've debated back and forth whether or not I want to continue to be public with our fertility steps. I want people out there who come across my blog with fertility issues to know that they aren't alone, they shouldn't be ashamed, and maybe get a few answers to questions they may have. At the same time, there is absolutely no element of "surprise" when public with fertility because each step brings you closer to a negative or a positive pregnancy result. We decided we would be private about the second time we were going to start fertility, but then, we couldn't. Between finding sitters so my daughter didn't have to go to every appointment with me, leaving work for an hour here or there for different appointments, it was next to impossible to hide it, so we didn't. We were public with every step of the process. This time, though it would be the same for work, I'm not sure if I want to be public with each step of this process. What do you think?

Day Four

What if I lose track? ha, I kid. These titles will let me remember the days! So original right? Right.

Last night = hard night for me. I don't know why. Well, I have an idea, but not sure why I let it go so far. I am very grateful for my life. More than most express to me anyways. I sat on my couch crying, and then on the phone with my husband crying while I was in bed last night. The tears just wouldn't stop. I wanted to get my daughter out of bed and hold her tight. I wanted my husband to come home from work and hold us both. Rough night.

Through the whole month of December, I had a TON of anxiety over the holidays. I didn't know how to be strong, to be a beacon of light, to be encouraging, to be the word of God to others around me, to be positive, but still mourn my children. Miss them. Be angry that they wouldn't be with me on Christmas and New Year's. I didn't know how to do both. Now, I realize, too late....you can't be both. I don't need to be both. I need to let God move and work in me, and not worry about those around me at some points. I was so worried that I would look like I didn't have faith or didn't love God, or didn't live in His word, that I ignored my feelings welling up inside. Christmas was pretty good, so was the New Year's holiday. I got through it easier than I thought I would. I know some of it was prayers from people who care and thought of us, some was from God knowing my needs for each moment, and some just because I'm good at stuffing things down, pushing them aside. It all broke through though. In the form of uncontrollable sobbing. I miss my babies. I miss what I am missing out on because they aren't here. Baby's first Christmas, smiles, rolling over, eating foods, growth spurts, spitting up, sleepless nights, bath time, etc.

I check on my daughter every night before I go to bed. I kiss her head, pull her blanket over her, and place my hand on her back or belly to feel her breathing. Every night. For 19 months and 1 week, to the day. I walked out of her bedroom last night, pulled her door slightly closed behind me, and looked to my left. Bad idea. It's the empty nursery. The door was shut. I thought how I should be going in there next to check on the triplets, and snuggle them in with their blankets, kiss their foreheads, and place my hand on their bellies to feel them breathing. Punch in the stomach. I pulled their ashes off the shelf and held them tight. I kissed their cold metal urns a bit longer than normal. I crawled into bed and called my husband. Weeping.

Grief is funny. One day, everything is going well. Tears don't come easy, smiles do. Then, some days it's so hard to smile, and tears don't stop. It's a life process. I know it will never be over on this earth. I will always think of my children that aren't on earth with me. I will always think about what they would be doing if they were here with us now. I will always look at my daughter in awe of how God created her, took the time to make each feature of her face, each characteristic of her personality, each hair on her head. I will always appreciate the cruelty of this earth, and how at any moment life could change drastically. I will breath it in. I will picture my firstborn son with a coy smile on his face, like he was planning something funny. Jokester like his older sister. I will picture my 2nd daughter's peaceful face, a slight smile, with her arms across her chest. She was so beautiful with her uni brow and bald head. Her deep breath, though peace filled her face. I will picture my baby boy, his arm behind his head. His mouth open with his lips curled up smiling. Taking a deep breath but still looking at peace as well. They took life and death both gracefully. I love them deeper than I ever thought I could love. Taking each day, one deep breath at a time. Facing my heart, my feelings, not stuffing them down. I don't care who looks at me weird, or thinks negative thoughts because I love my "dead children". I am sure there will be many more hard nights coming. I'm ready though. Or as ready as I can be.

Day Three

Perfect Peace. Have you ever experienced it? I don't think I have. Not that I'm aware of, and I would think that it would be something one would be aware of.

I listened to a song today by Laura Story. (If you haven't already noticed, take notice. I am currently obsessed with her!) It was called "Perfect Peace". AND if you haven't read previously, songs are a big part of how God speaks to me, and when I say "big", I mean one of the only. I don't "hear" God in sunsets, subways, people, things. I "hear" Him speaking to me through His word, and the music that He anoints people with.

You can see the video HERE. There was no really good video, sorry. This is the only one that wasn't filled with pictures of a white, beautiful, brown haired, blue eyed Jesus. Part of the song goes like this:

In this time of trial

Pain that no one sees

Trust Me when I say

I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone

And you'll never be in need

Though I may not calm the storms around you

You can hide in Me

I pray for it. My husband and I pray for it. Every night. The peace that makes the storms around us be calmed. The storms that cause my head to fill with "what if's" and "if only's". The storms that make my stomach suck in and my lungs lose all breath. People forget. They can go on with their lives. I don't blame them, I would want to as well. But I don't forget. I can't move on. We go on with our lives because we have to, not because we want to. I think maybe we'd want to if we had that perfect peace. I come home to an empty nursery still. I carry with me the weight I never lost because I didn't nurse. Who has time to "work it off" when you are trying to hold yourself together, raise a toddler and grieve? I think "it's been 4 months already, when does this get better?" and at the exact same time "it's only been 4 months, I would hope I wouldn't just be over the death of 3 children like that!" To the average person, even to the above average person, I'm sure I look like my life is going on. Like I have it all together and my family is great. Underneath though, I ache. It's a pain I can't describe with words, and I pray no one else I ever know has to go through it. It's so easy to talk to other women who have been through it. They don't think it's odd to bring up my dead babies. They don't think I'm crazy, or depressed, or need help. They understand. They follow my thoughts. They ask how I'm doing, and I don't have to lie. They ask how I'm doing period. While the rest of "my world" has been able to push the loss of mine out of their lives, and their minds...I live it. Every day I am the mom to 6 babies in heaven, and 1 beautiful healthy funny toddler on earth. I don't know how to maintain that balance. So I pray. I pray for perfect peace. The peace that can help me be a better mom, a better wife, a better child of God. People have told me not to get "stuck" in my grief. How do you stop grieving a loss like this? How do you wake up one day and say "I'm ok with what happened. Now, let's have breakfast" ? I don't want to ever be ok with it. I want it to wreck me everyday. I want to realize how fragile life is every day. I want to be reminded that our God is greater and bigger and is the One who gives and takes life away. So if that's means I'm "stuck" in my grief, then so be it. I'm waiting for that perfect peace while I'm here though. I'm praying for it, and clinging to the promise that it's mine.

Day Two

My mother and baby sister came today to visit. My sister hasn't been here since this summer, and she hasn't seen my daughter since then either. She was shy at first, but by the afternoon she actually chose my sister over her grandma. It was so cute to see her kiss and hug and jump all over her aunt she rarely gets to see. I got garbage plates for dinner so they could have their first "plates". They liked it, but they aren't great plate eaters. No hot sauce, didn't like the warm mac salad, and barely could eat half. Maybe next time they could push themselves more...haha.

Wanted to take down my christmas decorations today, but just can't do it. I'm tired, kinda depressed, and don't feel like getting off my couch now that my daughter is down to bed. I wish I didn't have to work in the morning, and I would just pass out here on the couch and wait to wake up when my daughter decided to get up for the day.

We were supposed to get this whole "storm" thing last night, it didn't come. So now tonight they are calling for the "storm"....we shall see. I wouldn't mind a huge snow storm and get snowed in! Have I mentioned that I don't really want to get off my couch?

I almost didn't blog today, and I realized I can't disregard my goal on day 2! So, though I have nothing of importance to say, I put a few random thoughts down. Not a great idea to blog when you are exhausted.

So, off to watch mindless tv, and lay on my couch. Shocker! "Bachelor" better not disappoint!

Day One

I said I wanted to blog every day. People are always good at goals in the very beginning. It's easy. Let's see how long I can stick with this goal of mine before I let something get in the way.

January 1st and it's 50 degrees out. I DO NOT like this at all. I love being all cozy on my couch watching tv or reading a book while the snow falls and I'm wrapped up in a blanket. It's a good excuse to not have to go out or do anything because it's "too cold and blustery". Instead, it's 50 degrees out and I feel like I should be outside doing something. I live in NY for the reason of having 4 seasons. I love each season for it's own unique qualities. I miss the snow. I miss the cold. I feel like I'm getting cheated. Hopefully, this stating of how much I miss snow will result in an epic snow storm that will have me stranded, cuddled in my home for many days. I'm soooo ok with that!

We went to church this morning. Instead of going to the big campus though, we went across the street to our smaller venue. My daughter slept in until 9 again, which meant there was no way we'd make it to 9:30 service. The smaller venue has service at 10:30. It was more emotional than I thought. Last time I was at 692 campus we were pregnant with the triplets. It was a more mindless/lessawareofhowunfairlifereallyis kind of time. We sang a song about how good God is. One of the parts of the song is:

With a cry of praise
My heart will proclaim
You are good You are good
And in the sun or rain
My heart celebrates
You are good You are good

You can watch the video here

This was one of the songs we sang at church shortly after we had lost our triplets. I couldn't sing it. I couldn't even stand to hear it. I know it's true. I never will deny, nor did I ever deny that it was true. But I was angry. I was so angry this song made me more angry. How could my heart celebrate how good God was when my children are dead. They are dead. They were alive, and now they are dead. Why does a good God let this happen? Why doesn't He step in and save them? Those were just a FEW of the thoughts that went through my head when I heard this song for the first time after they were born and went on to heaven. I still don't have the answers to those questions. I don't ask them in the way I did a few month ago though. And this morning, when this song was sung, I not only stayed in the sanctuary, but I sang along. I may have cried while I sang it, but I sang it. I meant it. I know it's true. No matter what lies the devil tries to make me believe, I know this song is true.

2012 may not have started out the way I had planned, or even the way I had hoped....but I think that the healing of my heart is continuing and that is a good thing. Because God is good. And I can say that will full confidence and assurance.

Goodbye

2011.

It was the worst year of my life, with some of the BEST milestones. I do hope I never have another year like it.

JANUARY:

we were in the middle of our first cycle of injectable treatments again, needles, needles, and more needles.

my daughter learned to crawl

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

FEBRUARY:

my daughters personality started to come out, we moved out of the constant fussy/crying/anxiety stage

we started another round of injectables, more needles again

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

MARCH:

I turned 31.

we started another round of injectables, with you guessed it...more needles. did i mention i HATE needles???

my body produced about 6 follicles that looked like they could develop! we pushed ahead a few more days.

my daughter started table foods and had her 9 month check up. she weighed 24 lbs.

APRIL:

my husband turned 38

there were 6 good follicles, we got the trigger shot and were inseminated...ON my husband's birthday! happy birthday sweety! i joke that not many can say another man got me pregnant while my husband and daughter were in the room....gotta keep it light somehow right??

we found out we were pregnant on easter!!! it worked! the line was REALLY dark though, so i joked we were pregnant with triplets!

MAY:

we found out we were pregnant with not 1, not 2, not 3, but 5 babies! we had 6 sacs, and one of our babies had already passed. we were 7 weeks along.

at 8 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were only pregnant with 4.

at 9 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were now pregnant with triplets.

my daughter turned a year! a year! i can't even believe it still! she was still 24 lbs by the way, but had grown 3 inches!!!

my daughter got her 1st pool.

it was a very shocking month!

JUNE:

10 weeks pregnant and very healthy triplets was the verdict. we graduated from the fertility clinic.

11 weeks pregnant we got to see the high risk dr and talk about how things were going to go.

my daughter started sleeping through the night! that's right folks, do the math, she was 13 months old before she slept through the night...it was a long 13 months!

(notice i still haven't said my daughter started walking? nope. she was way too stubborn and lazy to start walking yet!)

my daughter went swimming every day, she is a little fish!

my daughter got her 1 year pictures done by our good friend auntie rachel.

JULY:

at 14 weeks pregnant my water broke with baby A. we were heart broken, yet prayerful.

i was put on restrictions. not a lot of walking, no lifting ANYTHING, not even a gallon of milk. not a lot of stairs, not standing for long periods of time, no cleaning....etc. this led to......

my mother moved in with us.

my husband built a bedroom in the basement.

at 15 weeks we found out we were having a girl (baby B) and a boy (baby C)!!! baby A's gender couldn't be seen because there was no fluid in the sac.

i measured at 22 weeks pregnant already, and was growing rapidly every week.

It was a month of weekly checkups for our very risky pregnancy.

my daughter started walking!!!!! she just decided one day to be bold and took off! she hasn't slowed down since!

AUGUST:

my daughter got her first haircut in a salon. she looked like such a little girl now and not my little baby anymore!

i was taking it very slow as i was very large already and i was out of breath just walking from my couch to my front door.

i was now seeing the dr every 2 weeks because there were no changes and no need to go in weekly to be disappointed.

we went to the dr at week 21 and everything looked great. it was a tuesday morning. that saturday morning at 12:30ish my life, my family's life changed for the worse, very drastically, and very quickly! you can read all about it here.

our beautiful triplets, Nathan Richard, Malia Elizabeth, and Anthony Thomas Jr, were born and died all in a matter of hours on the 28th of August.

SEPTEMBER:

kind of a blur. don't know how i got through the day to day. i don't remember much.

my daughter had her 15 month appointment, she started talking a lot and now only weighed 25 lbs. not gaining much weight, just shooting up taller and taller!

my daughter is a very picky eater, so it is a chore to find something for her to eat every day, multiple times a day.

OCTOBER:

i went back to work in the middle of october.

my daughter started coming to daycare and LOVED it.

my daughter refuses to nap at daycare still though, so i bring her home to nap and work splits on days when my husband works days.

most of the month is a blur as well.

NOVEMBER:

our first holiday without our children was quickly approaching. i was anxious and still didn't have a day that went by that i didn't break down and cry.

thanksgiving came. in-laws came over for the holiday. it was mostly stress free, but i still wish i never had to celebrate thanksgiving.

my daughter's speech is exploding and she says so many words, and seems to say a new word every day.

DECEMBER:

a LOT of anxiety.

christmas was approaching and it used to be my favorite holiday. i didn't know how i would get through it without all of my children here with me.

a lot of prayer, a lot of reading, a lot of support from my husband and close friends got me to and through christmas.

christmas came, and we had a nice relaxing couple of days of celebration. it was hard, but we did it.

Now, 2011 is about to end. it's bittersweet. i don't want the year to end. the year my oldest daughter turned 1. the year we got pregnant again. the year we gave birth to the most beautiful triplets ever. and the year we had to say goodbye to the triplets as well. i feel like if the year ends, it takes me further away from the triplets. that's not true of course, but that's how my mind and my heart are processing this new year. i have stayed distracted, my husband and i have planned a nice evening at home tonight....new years eve. i plan to go to bed long before the ball drops. and wake up tomorrow morning, in 2012, just as thankful...if not more, just as hopeful...if not more, just as faithful...if not more than i am today. it's just another day. another day closer to heaven. another day closer to seeing my beautiful children all together and playing. we are praying this year we are able to get pregnant and successfully carry this baby to term. we are praying it's a singleton pregnancy as my body is not able to handle multiples. i am hesitant to make plans, because i know the One who holds my tomorrows in His hands, and none of them are guaranteed.

Whatever this year has brought you to, or brought you from, remember the ONE who made you, and cling to Him...praise Him for the year past, as well as the year to come.

Happy New Year everyone. May the Lord bless and keep you.

trying to keep track

i was so good at journaling when i was pregnant with claire. i didn't journal at all being pregnant with the triplets. i regret that, but everyday was an adventure, good and bad, while pregnant the second time. i didn't feel like i had time to journal between working, raising a toddler, dr's a couple times a week. when claire was born, i was so good at keeping track with her baby book of all the things she did. i was so good at taking monthly pictures of her. i have so wained from all that since she turned 1. i want to keep track of everything she's doing, and i also want to use this blog as more of a journal, so for the new year, i'm going to try to write in here daily. let's see how life takes me, but i certainly will try.

everyday claire seems to be saying something new. she doesn't talk so much for others, but she doesn't stop talking while she is at home with us. she's always been shy/anxious around other people, so this isn't a surprise to me. however, just when i think that things are slowing down and i can put her baby book away, i find myself pulling it out and writing something new in it. this REALLY bothers my husband. like to the point of random snide comments about the baby book on the stairs...everyday....never getting put away. i can't help it. i don't want to miss a thing. it's not because i think she will be upset when she's older that i didn't keep track, it's more for me. to remember and savor ever moment of her life. she is such a miracle to us. from day one she has always been a miracle to us. getting pregnant was so hard, and when it happened we couldn't believe it was true. then, we thought we were going to lose her, and we prayed and went to the elders at our church, and turns out she just wanted to be difficult. we got a scare with her heart at about 19 weeks. we got another scare when she measured on every week and then suddenly a month later hadn't measured any more than the month prior. turns out, she just really, really liked my pelvis and stuck herself down there at about 32 weeks. she was just fine. we couldn't believe it. we almost had our daughter. when she came each and every milestone amazed us. we are "those" parents. we cried when she rolled over, tears of joy. we clapped and cheered, and cried tears of joy again when she crawled, walked, ate food, etc. you see the pattern here. her first words, we couldn't contain ourselves. now, with each new word, we still get so excited when she says something new. i don't think it will every end. she just amazes us.

she has so many funny little quirks, like LOVING to clean. to the point of temper tantrums when it's all clean and time to put the vacuum, swiffer, duster away. she thinks everything is "stuck" whether it is or not, if it doesn't do what she wants it to do. she learned how to fold a washcloth, and when the laundry is in a pile on the couch and i'm folding it, she finds the wash clothes and folds them for me. she runs from one end of the house to the other and back again, for minutes! tags the ottoman, then tags the kitchen cabinets, and back again. over and over again, giggling the whole way. i want to know what she is thinking. she loves the song "bringing home a baby bumblebee". she cups her hands together and swings them back and forth and says "bum bum bum" a million times a day. i'm trying to teach her new songs, it's not working. she watches something and INSTANTLY repeats it, AND remembers it from day to day. i watered the tree one day, and now every day she points to the tree and runs to the sink to get the canister we water it with. she does a TON of sign language, like putting on a coat, shoes, more, eat, drink, book, sleeping, i can't think of them all right now. she puts her finger to her lips and says "shhh" when her doggy Chief is laying down or mommy or daddy is laying down. then she runs to them and wakes whomever is sleeping up by a big kiss and hug. when she runs she sways her one arm because her one daycare teacher does that. she goes to daycare less than 10 times a year. she LOVES dancing. i mean LOVES. she does these moves like she is "raising the roof" all the time. she spins and spins and dances around on her tippy toes. she will turn on the bose radio where her cd is in and start dancing multiple times throughout the day. she likes to turn the tv off when we leave the room. her daddy loves this quality, let me tell you! she thinks every animal she sees is a doggie. we have to keep telling her there are other animals out there. she just started counting and will count to 2.

her words she says so far:

mommy

daddy

doggie

cheee (chief, her dog)

shoe

socks

shh

on

off

bye

hi

up

down

yeah

no

mine (she OFTEN puts "no mine" together! ugh)

ball

nuk

ouch

gramma

nonnie

pop

eh eh eh eh is still her favorite though! ha

alright, she's fighting me on cleaning up so we can eat lunch, so i better go for now.