I feel like I'm being tested

Life as I knew it has once again changed. Not for the worse, not for the better, but a change none the less. My son is allergic to soy and dairy. Reacts to all juices we've tried, and has been on and since taken off reflux meds. He can't poop. He will try, and try, and try, turn beat red, push, grunt, struggle, pass gass. Have a bowel movement, he does not. Not without the help of a suppository, or the probing of a qtip or thermometer. Even then, he usually only moves either a foamy green mess, or less than a tablespoon of dry, thick, sludge. For the most part, he's a happy boy. He is all smiles, even in his discomfort. We've moved from formula to formula to formula. He's now on neocate. It's predigested. It's amino acids are broken down into single amino acids, no strands for his body to break down. Yet still, constipated. I've stopped the meds that supposidely constipate him, and he's still constipated. I've tried prune juice, and pear juice, and he's screamed for hours after ingesting them. Today, I'm venturing to apple juice, though trying another juice scares me. Dominic is so sensitive, he can be clear skinned one moment, and we walk outside, or to the car, or at daycare, and the next second he is covered in a rash from the top of his head to the bottom of his torso. His skin is cracked and bleeding. He keeps his hands in such tight fists, I noticed the other day that the creases where his fingers meet his palm are cracked, bleeding, and the skin is peeling away. My son is a hot mess, and no appointments to the dr have brought any resolve. Our GI appointment is so far away I want to scream! I know things could be worse, way worse, but my son, at 10 1/2 weeks of age has known nothing but discomfort and I absolutely hate it.

With that said, I sometimes find myself angry again with God. Why does my son have to suffer to prove a point to me!? (Now, I know God is not proving a point and making my son suffer to do this, but I'm stating my feelings. Don't think I"m all "losing my faith" and nonsense). I sometimes feel like God didn't allow me to raise my triplets because He thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. That I would fail, or put them in harms way, or suck big time. I sometimes would feel like God thinks I didn't do a good enough job with Claire, so He wouldn't give me another child. Then, when we got pregnant with Dominic and had complication after complication, I thought that God was saying watch yourself, because at anytime I can take him right out from under you! We prayed and prayed and prayed, for health, safety, etc. You name it, we prayed it over Dominic. Now that he's here, and struggling with different "health" issues, I feel like God is saying, "I'm giving you another chance. Are you truly grateful for any child, or just the ones that are easy?" I feel like I can't possibly complain about how hard it is to have a son who is constantly reacting to something in the environment, or his food, or not having a bowel movement, up most of the night struggling to poop and losing sleep, therefore, causing me to get little to no sleep most nights. I don't want to complain. I am very conscious that at the blink of an eye this could all change, and I would be begging to have those sleepless nights again, or begging to have such "minor" issues. So I don't complain. I look into my son's eyes and I see his siblings. All of them. He falls asleep with his mouth open and I have to turn away because it's like looking into Anthony Jr's face all over again. Reminding me what death looks like. I hurt because my son hurts. I want his pain and discomfort to stop. I want to know that this is a phase and nothing is seriously wrong. I want answers, but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm tired. I'm broken. I want answers. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be with my children and not at work. I would camp out at the dr's if it meant I would be able to give my son relief now. I hate that this just may be his lot for a while. I will never resent having these issues. I will never wish Dominic was different. I would never wish this time away. I just don't want him in pain or discomfort anymore. And I would really like to stop feeling like my every thought and action is being put to the test. It's draining.

Siblings

I'm so glad my daughter has a sibling on this earth she can love on. She is so enamored with her brother it brings me to tears every time. She is always asking to hold him. She kisses and hugs him constantly. This morning I left Dominic home with daddy and Claire came to school with me. She gave him a kiss and a hug (multiple times, it's always "one more! just one more! no, five more!") Then she said, "love you dom-nic, have good day!" and marched out the door. She still kisses my necklace every chance she gets, and talks about Nathan, Malia and Anthony being with Jesus and going to see them some day. It breaks my heart that she can't give them the love and affection she gives to her brother. she is the best big sister. The other day, I was making dinner. Dominic was sitting in his little seat on the counter in the kitchen with me. He started to fuss, and Claire ran to get his nuk for him. Then she ran back to the living room and brought him his blanket. She tucked it around him and said "here you go. don't fuss. it's ok." Seriously. This kid isn't even 3 yet. She has the biggest heart I've ever seen in a kid. She's always been a sensitive little spirit, and I am so very thankful for her heart and the person God is shaping her into being. Dominic is just as enamored by Claire as she is by him. He lights up when she walks into the room. He is all smiles for her all the time. If she's around he is focused on her, watching her run, twirl, dance, sing. He is so in love with her. I've told him about his siblings in heaven, and can't wait to tell him more. I have not showed him the picture album just yet. I don't think I can without shaking and crying. I've been missing the triplets terribly lately, and going over how Dominic will never know them on this earth just breaks my heart even more. Someday. Hopefully soon.  Here are some pictures of them loving eachother:

 always kissing him!

 

 talking to him, and he's talking back.

 

 more kisses!

 

 he's kissing her back!

 

 they love eachother!

 

 tired from all the kissing

 

 my sweet boy

 

 she's so silly, always trying to get you to laugh

 

 works on him!

 

oh how i love her sweetness!

 

Back to the Grind

I went back to work this week. Overall, it was a successful week. Broken down, I was a hot mess. Monday I must have cried at least 10 times. Wait til you hear the silly part! THEY ARE 500yds from me, 5 stairs up in the center that I am Program Director at! I know....I have it much better than most, but it's still not home with the ability to snuggle them ALL DAY LONG! Tuesday went fantastic. Both kids did great in their respective daycare classes. I got lots of work done, in fact pretty much caught up on my 7 weeks of being away. Wednesday was rough. I was up all night with Dominic and he was refusing to eat more than 1/2oz at a time every few hours. I took him to the dr, and by the afternoon he was doing really well. Thursday they were only in daycare 1/2 a day and daddy picked them up and they finished out the week at home. Friday I got a frantic phone call that Dominic wouldn't eat anything (he was up again all night, and didn't eat more than 3 oz in the 12 hr night), and he had projectile vomited 3 times. I was a puddle of tears. How was I supposed to be away from my baby for so long when something was wrong. I finally got home and he was all smiles. I fed him an ounce and he projectile vomited all over. I tried again a little while later and he did it again, twice. My son had not eaten more than 10 ounces in 26 hours. I was so worried. My husband convinced me to wait to go to the dr until the morning, and I reluctantly agreed. He slept until 2am, hadn't eaten a thing since his 7pm drinking/vomiting sesh. He guzzled 4 ounces, pooped, and laid in my arms smiling. We prayed, and by 3:30 he was sleeping again. He didn't wake until 6am where he guzzled another 4 ounces, and another 2 after that, and then laid in bed with me all smiles. How do I take this smiling, seemingly healthy baby to the dr today!? Is this just him? Every once in a while he'll boycott eating? (Believe me, he's not lacking on the gaining weight department!) I am at a loss. Did he have a stomach bug? Was his acid reflux just so bad he couldn't hold anything down? Is there something more serious and hidden going on inside his tiny little body (I use tiny loosely here!)? It's so hard to work knowing my son is at home, or my daughter is at home wanting mommy. Someday, I'll be able to stay home with them.

It's Saturday now though. Daddy and Claire are grocery shopping. Mommy and Dominic are trying to work out if we're going to the dr this morning, or will wait it out. I've collected poopy diapers just in case though. I'm not fooling around if I do go, I want answers. Even if the answer is "he's fine". WHY oh WHY didn't I go to school to become a dr? Oh yeah, cause while my son was vomiting all over me last night, I was gagging.

5 weeks

It's been a long 5 weeks.

First, I can't believe it's been 5 weeks already!

Second, it's only been 5 weeks!?

My son had a fantastic 1st week of life. He was happy, slept so well, pooped every single feeding, and some in between.

Weeks 2 - 5 have been a living hell.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change having him here with me than not for anything. However, 20 hours of crying, no make that SCREAMING a day, it will ware on anyone. We tried everything. $20 colic meds, $10 colic meds, finally we tried acid reflux meds, then had to add a second acid reflux med. He was turning into the exact same baby as his sister was. His sister was hard. Really hard. Like rethinking if you were cut out to be a parent hard. After all this, he broke out into a red blotchy rash EVERY.SINGLE.TIME he ate. Whether on me, or the formula we were given by dr to try (supplemental). He screamed every time he ate, pulling his head off of me and screaming a high pitched, heart breaking cry. Then he'd start screaming a silent cry as he was crying so hard he wasn't breathing so no noise was coming out. Mommy was crying. Why? Why again? Why my son? Why us? I would plead and yell at God to heal my son, to give him relief, to help him feel better. He was starting to struggle to have a bowel movement, ofter for hours. We needed to test his poopy diapers for allergy to dairy, but his but was raw and the tests wouldn't show true positive....I was tired of waiting. I broke down, and walking through Target in tears, bought a $36 dollar formula (RIDICULOUS!!!). Dairy free, made for those with cow milk allergy, made for those who scream all day long and don't sleep....I carried it to the checkout, crying. I paid for it and went to my car, crying. I sat in my car for at least 10 minutes debating on whether or not to return it, crying. I finally drove home, you guessed it....crying. The remainder of the afternoon/evening he ate bottle of this formula. He wouldn't sleep, he'd fall asleep for 10-15 minutes and wake up screaming. He was spitting up a ton, like 3 spit rags full every feeding....I was at my wits end. So was my husband. My poor daughter just wanted our attention and we were so focused on our son. I was ready to pack him up and go to the ER. I thought for sure, it was something way more serious than we had anticipated. He finally fell asleep around 11pm, waking every 2 hours to eat another bottle.

This morning, he's hungry. Eating almost every hour for a while, but now, he's been sleeping since noon. It's 1:30. His rash is WAY better, he's pooped twice today with little effort. He's only cried when he's wanted more to eat. He actually smiled, a real smile. I think we figured it out. I think he's allergic to dairy, and possibly a few other things. I have a lot of food allergies. I also have celiac. My diet is so restricted it's ridiculous. If I had to cut out dairy (the only thing I really eat), I think my milk will be useless to him as I wouldn't get half the vitamins I need let alone give them to my son. I can't have any of the replacements for dairy as I'm allergic to all but the coconut, and that's been iffy from the last time I went non dairy with my first daughter.

I cried about having to give up nursing. I am so upset over it. I had to stop nursing Claire at 6 months as we started fertility drugs again. I obviously couldn't nurser the triplets, and I was so looking forward to nursing Dominic. And now, after 5 short, long weeks, I have to give up nursing him. God is humbling me more than I care to be right now. In the long run, he will be fine. So will I. But already, I'm missing the bonding we had at our many nursing sessions. Even when they seemed to be so painful for him. I'm glad he's got relief now. And I'm glad he's getting the best stuff even if I had to sell my kidney to afford it.

Sleeping...finally...peacefully.

3 weeks

my son is 3 weeks old. i can't even believe it! well, at 11:39pm tonight he will be 3 weeks old! if we are up, we shall celebrate with a little nursing bonanza and commencing of the diaper changes for the next few hours. 

my daughter has adjusted well. she wants to know where he's at at all times. she asks to hold him a million times a day, and he mostly complies. he's taken by her as well. she kisses him all over many times a day. 

he eats every 2 - 3 hours, sometimes every hour in the evening. he's colicky, but mostly in the evenings and in the wee hours of the morning. it's gas related. we've done everything natural and not, nothing gives the poor guy relief. hopefully, in a few months he'll outgrow it. until then, i just pray over him and hope that he gets some relief in his poor little belly. 

he sleeps about 3 hours at a time at night. a few nights he's surprised me and slept 4 hours, but it's the exception, not the rule. i don't mind though. i've had enough energy to get through the day. i don't have time to nap, and not sure i could anyways, but the days are flying by. too fast. there is always something to clean, laundry to be done, meals to be made.....it seems like just as quickly as the day begins, it's over. and my children are one day older. 

well, i'm in the middle of making my first homemade chicken pot pie from scratch. so i should probably go check on it. i'll leave you with a few beautiful pics of my little man, and his big sister...

MIA

My last day of work was February 11th. The following days that week were filled with a lot of snuggles with my daughter. It was the last few days that she was going to be the only child in this house, the last few days of mommy and daddy's undivided attention.  Friday morning came around and I had to call the hospital at 6:30am to find out what time to be there for the induction. They told me all the beds were full, and it would be later that day. I called back around 9:30am and they were telling me it may not happen. Anthony and I were a little upset. My dr called just a bit later and asked us what we were feeling. I love her. She's amazing. I told her it's ok, I know it was elective, and I understand that if there were no beds, we could wait. She said she had to go into the office, but she would do all she could to find out when we could get into the hospital. About a half hour later, at 11am, the nurse from the hospital called and said come in as soon as we could. We jumped up and explained to Claire we were going to the hospital to get Dominic out of mommy's belly and bring him home. She was a little upset at first, and that in turn, made me upset. We got to the hospital and got settled in. I had to get 4 hours of antibiotics before I could deliver. They didn't want to start the induction until they were sure I wouldn't deliver before that 4 hr mark. They let me eat around 2pm and around 2:30 we started the induction. My contractions got intense after a few hours and they came to do the epidural. I was already in the transition stage and shaking uncontrollably. I was getting sick. Finally, I had some relief and laid down to rest. The epidural only took to one side. I knew right then that was going to be bad, the side it took was not the side I had pain in all pregnancy. I didn't feel the contractions though, so I was ok with it. All of a sudden, around 11:00pm I felt my contractions coming on pretty hard. They had anesthesia come in and give me narcotics and wait to see how close I was to deliver. The dr said I was only 6cm. They gave me 2 more bolus' of the epidural. I felt like I needed to push. The dr's came in and told me it would be hours. I was only 6cm. I knew that wasn't true. I was practically begging the dr's not to leave because I knew I was going to push any minute. It was less than 5 min later and my contractions were so intense. The epidural wore off and no amount they would push through my IV was helping. I could feel everything. I was promising the dr's I needed to push and they checked and I was at 8cm. They said it would still be awhile. I didn't let them leave the room. Not even a minute later I was looking at Anthony like I needed him to either hold the baby in or convince the dr's I needed to push. The dr's came and checked and were surprised I was at 10cm. It had been less than 5 min to move from 6 - 10cm. I started to push and 20 minutes later, my little miracle was born. The epidural had worn off so it was a pretty painful delivery, but so worth it. I sobbed. I couldn't stop. It was like I had no control. I would try to take a deep breath to calm down, and it just came out louder and longer. I sobbed because my son was here safe. I sobbed because he would never know his 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. I sobbed because my oldest daughter was a big sister, and she would now know what that feels like on this earth. I sobbed because he was beautiful. I sobbed. There's so much more to what happened next, and the next few days, but since I've been writing this for a week now, this is where I'll stop. I will let you get a glimpse of my little man, but I promise there will be more pictures to come. Like everything else, I've been a little busy snuggling my little and big babies and still haven't uploaded pics to my computer.

My little man. 

Mommy snuggling her babies.

Proud big sister.

The Comparison Trap

 

 

Week of February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror ~ The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

 

 

I have thought long and hard about this, unsure of what I would post. I honestly can't really remember a time that I compared myself to anyone else in the grieving process. I am comfortable with the way I grieve, and I'm comfortable in knowing that everyone grieves different, some "more" than others. I have taken some ideas from other mom's who have lost children, and I have left some things behind. I know what I need to make my heart and mind function with this sort of loss, and I do it. I don't care how it's looked at, I don't care who agrees or disagrees, I don't care about murmuring behind my back (cause I know there has been). I do what my family and I need to do to function on this earth with 1/2 of our family in heaven. If that's comparing, then I'm ok with it, but if it's meaning is more like "I wish I did this more like this person, or that person." I don't. I do regret not having a memorial service, but again, not because other's have, but because it would have been one more way for me to celebrate my children's short lives, and share them with more people.

 

I don't want to "reach" just to create a post, so I guess that's all I have to say for now. If something comes to me, I will be sure to return and talk about it.