Faithful

my God has sure proven to be faithful over the years. time and time again when it's pouring down so hard i can't see past my nose, there is always a time when the storm lets up. there is always a time when i can see what's been done in the storm. the damage, the healing, the rescue. i would have never pinned myself as an anxious person. i'll admit though, lately, i'm a bundle of anxiety. any day now i expect to look down after i go to the bathroom and see an umbilical cord hanging out. i double check and triple check and quadruple check every time i get a chance that everything is ok. we are just halfway through this pregnancy, and i can't even believe how fast it's gone. at the same time, i can't imagine waiting this much longer to meet this baby. i just want safety, assurance the everything will be ok. heck, i still fear that my daughter who is 2 1/2 will be taken from me one day. i put these fears into the hands of God every single day. sometimes multiple times a day. my life is completely different than i ever imagined it would be. it's completely different even from just a few years ago. goal i had are no longer relevant. life is but a breath. it's fragile. not guaranteed. i barely recognize the person i once was. i am driven by one tragic day in my life. it's my first thoughts in the morning and my last thoughts before i go to bed. i want to be everything God has called me to be, and do all He's calling me into. i know that God didn't cause the hurt and pain that day just over a year brought, but i do know He felt it along with me. He's paved a way out of that dark place i was in. He's led me by the hand every minute of every day. He has used so many people and "things" of this world to do it. mainly, music. the promises of His word put to song have spoken deeper into my heart than anything or anyone could ever. here is just one song that i've listened to on repeat more nights than i care to look back on. just thankful He's guiding me and i don't have to do this alone.

"New baby"

It's been a while since I posted about the "new" baby. I figured I would post a little update. Not much to report because normal people plug along and have spaced out appointments and uneventful days. I'm trying extremely hard to be normal. Our appointment was scheduled for September 6th. It was 4 weeks after the last time I saw my OB. I tried really hard to wait that long. I really did. The triplet's birthday came and I was having a lot of bad dreams and I started panicking that the baby was not going to have a heartbeat by the 6th so I had to go in and find out. The day after their birthday I called the dr in a panic and said I just needed peace of mind. She was happy to oblige and took me in right then. The nurse had to do my dppler because the dr was busy when I went in. She took FOREVER to find the heartbeat. So long, that she was making small talk because I think she could tell I was starting to have a panic attack. I started believing all my fears. Then, the fateful moment when FINALLY we heard the heartbeat. It was pretty brief because apparently this baby is still in the "let's do somersaults all day long and never sit still" mode. I cried. Tears of relief. Tears of thankfulness that I was wrong, that the devil was NOT going to steal this child. The following week I went in and had our regular check up. The dr doesn't want me waiting 4 weeks in between appointments anymore. She doesn't want me to have all the anxiety that it's creating. So our appointments are now much closer together. We talked about the fact that I have a bladder infection (happens EVERY time I'm pregnant), and how normal it is to get them during pregnancy, but how scared I was because just after I was diagnosed with one with the triplet's, my water with Nathan broke. She assured me that won't happen. I'm not thoroughly convinced, but I am getting closer to talking myself out of the fact that it's going to happen. I also lost a lot a weight. Apparently, too much. I assured her when I can eat, I am. I am way sicker with this pregnancy than I was with the other two. I am also gluten free which started after the pregnancy. Whenever I go gluten free I lose weight. The food sucks. I don't care what you say, or who you talk to. Gluten free food is disgusting for the most part. Which means when I'd normally snack I just decide to "starve" instead because there's nothing good to eat. I am really trying to put on the weight, but it's hard when everything you eat makes you want to just throw it right back up. Claire's nausea ended around 20 weeks, so we are hoping that any day now we will be done with nausea with this pregnancy. We shall see though. I have been sicker, I have broken out to an awful extent. Usually, I have the clearest skin when I'm pregnant. So, everything is so different this time around.

We find out the sex of the baby on Friday the 21st. We don't like surprises. I couldn't handle one more unknown with this pregnancy, or any pregnancy for that matter! I can't wait to find out. I am thinking boy because everything is soooo different, but at the same time, all the "myths" point to girl (even though I had none of them with Claire). We shall see. Can't wait to go buy that very first outfit. We found out with Claire and went directly to the store to buy Claire's take home outfit. I know we will do the same for this baby. We didn't with the triplet's because we couldn't find out what Baby C was and we were holding out hope in finding out before we bought the outfits. I wish we had looking back on it, but you can't turn back time. Unfortunately.

So, that in a nutshell, is how this pregnancy is going so far. Every day keeps me wondering, and sometimes I will catch myself talking to the baby and convinced I will bring this baby home to live with us on earth. Again, we shall see. I can't wait for Claire to understand what a baby brother or sister is though. We have been talking about a baby in mommy's belly for over a year and a half now, and she has still yet to see the baby face to face. She thinks brothers and sisters are urns and memorial stones. I am excited for her to be able to touch and hold and love on a baby in this life. She is obsessed. Every baby she sees, it's like everything around her disappears and all she focus' on is that baby and how she can get her hands on him/her. It's the cutest and saddest thing I have ever had to see in her life.

If I don't update again before the "announcement", I'll make sure to get on and announce if we got a penis or vagina growing inside (too much? oh well, gotta be true to myself somehow!)!

The Triplet's 1st Birthday (part 2)

Sorry I went MIA for a bit longer than planned. My daughter had Hand Foot and Mouth, and was a bit whiney from the pain she was in. Then, Sunday morning, she woke up with a runny nose and a VERY barky cough. My first thought, croup. My second thought, who gets croup in August/September? My kid. That's who. She woke up barfing from coughing so hard. She was gasping for breath and scaring the crap out of me. I knew it was croup, but I was home alone and I couldn't get her to settle down. Finally, after many steamy showers she slept in my bed with me....slept is being used loosely here. We were up every hour or 2. It was awful for her. Monday, again, barfing, coughing, not sleeping....so needless to say with no sleep and a very sick child, I didn't have the time to write like I had hoped. We got steroids today, and she's sleeping. I need to go to bed, but now I have a cold and I can't sleep. So I might as well write about the triplet's birthday.

Tuesday morning hit, and right away I went out to there memorial stone and placed the balloons I bought them. Then,we had breakfast and went out the door to head to the children's museum around here. Claire LOVES that place. We played there all morning and went out to lunch. When we got home someone had placed 3 dozen roses (separated) in front of their stone. At closer look, there was a letter written to each one, and a Nutter Butter wrapped with a "1" candle in their colored ribbon. It brought me to tears. I knew right away that my best friend had stopped over. She knew my not so secret affair with Nutter Butter's while I was pregnant with them. She also is very creative with the making of their letters and envelopes. I read each one and ended up on my kitchen floor sobbing. Just the day before a friend send gifts to them for their birthday. An airplane, a train and a tiny porcelain doll. I was overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness of other's for my children. 

 Their balloons from us and the flowers put together from my friend.

What we came home to Tuesday afternoon. 

My daughter took a nap and my husband and I laid down. There was a knock at the door, and it was my mother. She stopped by to bring us a present and card. She was going to turn around and go right back home. She lives an hour away though, so I told her she could stay. We had plenty for dinner and she could just have cupcakes with us. My daughter must have known grandma was here because she promptly woke up. We played outside, opened the present, which was a hand holding a baby in it with each of the triplet's names on it. They were beautiful. 

After dinner we lit the cupcakes, sang "Happy Birthday" to each of the babies, and then took the cupcakes outside to eat them around their stone. Each of us blew out a cupcake, and Claire helped me blow out mine as well. 

 My beautiful daughter

 Apparently Blogger won't let me rotate the pic, but she's blowing out her candle. 

 Claire helping me blow out mine.

 The beautiful cupcakes.

She really enjoyed them!

After the cupcakes were all consumed we sat around the stone and just played. Claire ran around and kept going to the stone and saying "brodders and sisser!" It was so cute. 

 a little yoga

 breaking for some more "cuppycakes"

The end of our day. It was beautiful.

After cupcakes my mother left to go home. It was time for Claire to take a bath and go to bed. We went in and all climbed into our bed and brought the teddy bears we received from my friend after we got home from the hospital. We snuggled, read Claire's bible story for the night, and prayed. It was a beautiful end to a beautiful day. 

Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr's birthday was nothing and everything I expected. It was a really hard day, but through it all, we really did feel God's peace.

The Triplet's 1st Birthday (part 1)

There is too much to write about, and too many pictures I want to share to post everything in one. I don't have the time to sit and write one long post, and most people don't have the time to read one that long. Bear with me as I break the weekend leading up to their birthday, and their birthday, down into a couple posts. My husband is working nights this weekend, so I should have some free time, though my daughter has just come down with Hand Foot and Mouth, so she's a bit on the needy side right now.

The weeks leading up to the triplet's birthday were filled with anxiety. My husband had oral surgery, so I was worried he would still be in pain and the birthday wouldn't go as I had "planned". I didn't have time to do all the things I wanted to do during the week, so I thought I was running out of time. I was scared of how I would feel and if I could be "present" for my family, or if I would be a ball in my bed unable to move. A lot of anxiety. A lot.  My husband started to feel better though, and I started to be able to plan and do all I needed to do.

Saturday morning we went shopping as a family to pick out the gifts we were going to give to the families of the first 2 boys and first girl born on August 28th. We had fun picking out little baby items, and Claire absolutely adored all things baby. We picked out coordinating bags to the colors that were the triplet's blankets. I picked out a pink, blue and green bag to stuff all the gifts in. After Claire woke up from her nap we sorted all the gifts and Claire helped pack them up. Here's a few pics:

 the goodies

 "this is the green one right mom?"

 crumpling the tissue paper

 my proud little helper

 too cute not to share!

packed and ready to go!

On Sunday, we did a lot of odds and ends to get ready. I had to paint the memorial stone over because Malia's name had faded so much. After Claire's nap we painted a rock for our rock garden.

 painting our rock

 "cheese"

such concentration!

I finished up the hats to donate to the memory boxes. Monday morning my husband had a follow up at the dentist, so Claire and I went to pick up the cupcakes I had a bakery make for the hospital for the nurses to thank them as well as have them celebrate the birthday of our babies. They were beautiful. Perfect. Amazing.

 Nathan's cupcakes

 Malia's cupcakes

 Anthony Jr's cupcakes

They turned out beautiful!

I had to go pick up more cupcakes (gluten free ones) from a friend of mine who made them for me. She's a fantastic baker and decorates them wonderfully as well. She also made some hats for the babies memory boxes for parents. 

Monday after Claire woke up from her nap we took the cupcakes, the gifts for the babies, and the donations for the memory boxes up to the hospital. I didn't know what to expect, and I was a bit nervous that I was going to cry or chicken out, or something. We first went to the wrong floor. One thing about the hospital is I do think their labeling of floors and such is terrible. There are not very many signs on the way to where you are going. We got up there, found the nurse manager we were put in contact with and she was very "unhelpful". She pawned it off on another nurse to show us where to take our stuff. She didn't get up to greet us, say thanks, nothing. I was pretty disappointed in that. I didn't want much, but a little effort on her part would have been nice. The nurse that did get up to help was sweet. We talked briefly about what I wanted done with the bags, and the donations. I thanked her and the other nurses for all they do, and we turned around and walked out. We went out to dinner and had a wonderful night. The 27th was the day that we went to the hospital. It was the day that Nathan died. It was the start of the nightmare. We tried to make it beautiful though. 

That brings us to Tuesday, Augutst 28th. The triplets birthday. That is for another post. I need to get to bed. 

Just Catching Up

I have time to write. It's amazing. My husband is in a vicodin coma right now, and my daughter is in her glory playing outside while I sit in the cool autumn breeze I've been waiting for for a month. I am sipping on sun tea, and lounging on my patio. This is the most relaxation I've had in a very long time. Too long. Life is crazy busy/emotional/stressful when going through loss, fertility, keeping life "normal for toddler", breaking ankle, getting pregnant, having a few too many scares, husband getting some pretty major oral surgery....but I'm here. And I'm thankful for this moment. This time I have to journal my thoughts and feelings, and what's going on in life over here.

Most of what I write these days are just dumps. I don't have time to think about categorizing all my thoughts right now. Life was supposed to be a lot different. You know...MY plan. I get to determine the way things go...don't I? Wow, I can't believe looking back how selfish one can really be. Thinking you are in control, even though you "say" you know God is. It's been a long journey of learning for me this year. Learning to let go, to live with full trust that God is in control from moment to moment. I know I haven't "arrived" yet, and I won't until the day I get to see my children again in heaven, but I like to think I'm making progress. Every day, a little closer to being in sync with my God, my creator, the lover and maker of my soul.

My toddler is apparently skipping toddler hood and going right to teenland. Her attitude rivals any I've seen in any child. I've worked in childcare for 12 years. I've seen and "raised" a LOT of children. I thought I had this down pat. Until Miss Claire arrived. From day 1 in the womb she had her own way of doing things. Her way or no way. I mean, we even had to threaten to evict her from my womb before she even thought of coming out. She's definitely a leader, NOT a follower. That will bode her well in her future. I'm sure of it. She is one strong willed little lady. But even on my hardest day, at the end while I'm rocking her, telling her how much I love her and how much more Jesus loves her than I do, at that moment, it's all worth it. Every last tantrum. Every last swat she aims my way. Every last kick and pinch and scream. Every time I turn on the water when SHE wanted to, or turn out the light when it was supposed to be HER job. Oh the tizzy those cause. She is worth it all. I told myself I would parent one way. Years ago. Before all the "real life" hit us. Before it was next to impossible to get pregnant, before we lost 6 of our precious children all in the same year. I parent different. And I get judgement looks, tones, comments. I don't care though. I want every single moment on this earth to be memorable for me and for my daughter. The next moment isn't guaranteed. Don't get me wrong. I discipline. Sometimes, I'm the ONLY one who disciplines. I'm the bad guy plenty. I don't want to raise a brat. BUT I also don't sweat the small stuff. Like when she's "supposed" to get rid of the pacifier (my biggest pet peeve before I was a parent), or when she's "supposed" to transition to a bed, or when she's "supposed" to be potty trained. There's a lot of pressure out in the world of mom's that too many fall for. I don't want to be one of them. I don't want my last day, or my daughter's last day on this earth to be all about reaching these man made goals that mom's are always in competition over. I want it to be about love, about learning how to love better, more, fully.

Ok, enough about that. New Baby is doing well. Or so I tell myself and believe. I'm trying to be pretty normal about this, so I haven't abused my ability to go into the office and hear the heartbeat every day, or demand ultrasounds. I don't go to see the dr until September 6th. I don't get another ultrasound until the week of September 17th. Every day I pray for peace, comfort, and well-being for baby and myself. I can feel the baby move. Mostly, at night, when I'm still and have time to just reflect and relax before bed. New Baby is a mover and a shaker, that's for sure. I'm also pretty nauseous. Doubling on my meds some days just to be able to get through the day. Yesterday was a good day for nausea, so maybe this is all starting to change. I enjoy being pregnant, though like anyone else, I enjoy it a lot more when I can be participating in life. So, I'm looking forward to feeling better and watching and feeling this baby grow each day.  I am definitely finding out the sex in September. I'm a planner, and I life to decorate, and organize and have all things set. We are waiting a bit longer to do the nursery this time. Some for my sanity, some for the sales that will come around Christmas time on the furniture. I know I will not be able to hold back once we find out the sex in getting their first outfit from mommy and daddy. That is something I've never been good at. Lots of excitement is starting to return with this pregnancy. I'm grateful that God is a God of restoration.

The triplets birthday is in just over a week. I don't want to say much about that right now because emotionally I can't think about it yet. My husband is out of commission and I'm a single parent right now, and emotions and stress just don't mix. I will be writing more about it soon. The plans we have to celebrate, all that we want to do and will do for them and our family. I probably will write more after their birthday to be honest. I don't know how much time I will get this week to devote to journaling. I will say, the celebration we are planning is already filling my heart with gladness.

hard morning

hard morning this morning. not gonna lie. i woke up at 5am because i had to pee. this is a regular occurrence, and it's usually always between 4 and 5am. i got up and quickly went to the bathroom and climbed back into bed. i laid there, my eyes closed, and all i could picture were my three beautiful babies, nathan, malia and anthony jr laying in my hospital bed with me. then i started going through their delivery and birth...moment by moment. reminiscing in every second. remembering the moments of seeing them, watching anthony jr and malia take breathes....slow breaths, deep breaths...watching their chests rise, their mouths open and close. my heart was breaking. i was sobbing. i still don't understand why there is so much pain and hurt in this life. well i do, let's not get into a biblical debate....i hurt. i kissed their faces again and again, in my mind, behind my closed eyes. i was praying that when i opened my eyes they would be there, snuggled beside me in bed, sleeping peacefully. i opened my eyes, and they weren't there. not to my surprise. but my heart was so overwhelmed. i rolled over, "please God, just bring me peace, comfort, sleep, restoration" i said that over and over. i felt our newest addition move, a little flip flop in my belly. i knew it was him/her. i was reminded again that God is faithful. this child probably wouldn't be with us if our triplets were. not that i would ever choose one or the other. not ever, but i know that we wouldn't have gone through treatments again after the triplets. God is restoring. God is bringing peace. He is bringing comfort. in ways i wouldn't necessarily choose, but He is doing all that i am praying for. i finally fell back asleep, but not for long before my alarm went off. i woke up and while taking a shower the tears flowed again. i miss my sons and daughter so much. their first birthday is coming up. instead of celebrating with kisses and messy faces and presents and joy, we'll be celebrating from far away. a world apart. no kisses for them. no kisses from them. i have never wanted a day to not come like i do their birthday. i'm not ready. emotionally, physically, spiritually. i'm broken. and while God is restoring, there's more to restore than has already been restored. i'm afraid. this is so unknown. how do you celebrate a birthday for children who aren't here?! no one remembers. no one talks about them. i have one friend who will bring them up on her own in conversation. it makes my heart leap with joy. everyone else, they will only talk about them if i do, and even then, i hear the hesitation in their voices. like "why are we talking about dead children right now?" i know no one who has been through this personally. they are all from afar, most all i've never met.  i feel like not too many understand. or feel like i should be over it. i actually have people tell me "well it all worked out", "you couldn't do this with 3 babies and a toddler, so it's all for the better" every time, i want to punch them in the mouth. physically assault them when they say that. i would be honored to have that life. i would give my right arm for them to be here on this earth. it's been a hard morning, and unfortunately, i don't see it looking up for a little while.

Just Some Sentences

I am usually not one to complain about the weather. I truly love every season we have here. HOWEVER, this summer...ridiculous! It's too hot for me. I live in Western New York for a reason. I would never choose to visit the south in the summer simply because I don't enjoy roasting on a daily basis. I am very much looking forward to fall, for a few reasons, but mostly for the relief from this heat. In looking forward to the fall though, I'm afraid that we will end up with a ridiculously warm fall too...just to disappoint me. Oh, how I pray cool weather will be the relief soon! This is definitely the hottest summer I can remember in my life.

I had my first official OB/GYN appointment on Friday last week. I was very anxious for it. Not so much because of the baby, but more because of the nurses and secretaries at the office. People don't like to read patients charts. It's a fact. I have learned that the hard way over the last year and a half. At first, the nurse trying to find the heartbeats of the triplets, finding one, and saying "sounds great" only for me to tell her there were 2 others in there and could she find those too? "Oh, really?" was her response. Goodness, is it hard to glance at a chart before you see a patient? Then to have follow-ups after the babies were born and people congratulating me, or asking me how labor went, or was that my second child, etc. The list goes on of reasons why reading a chart is confirmed something that's not usually done before you are seen by the nurse. My dr, amazing though. Reprimanding her staff, apologizing up and down for their "neglect". Anyways, anxious. I didn't want any stupid questions asked. **And contrary to what teachers tell students, yes, there ARE stupid questions.**  I went in, filled out all my paperwork, got to see a nurse, asked the basic questions, then my dr came in.  She came in cautious I could tell. Congratulated me, checked in on how my husband and my marriage was doing, telling us we survived the hardest thing a marriage has to go through. We discussed possible risk factors, what our "going forward" was going to look like. She was so incredibly understanding and patient with me. Then it was time to hear the glorious heartbeat. I knew baby was just fine, as I was up ALL night sick the previous night and was still really sick that morning. Comes with the territory. I actually am thankful for it. If I can't feel the baby, I would rather be sick and know baby is healthy and growing. She found the heartbeat right away. 168bpm. She smiled, I cried. She started to tear up. She held the Doppler over my baby's heart, telling me how beautiful and healthy it sounded. She didn't move for what seemed like forever. I finally looked at her and nodded and she took the Doppler off. She knew not to rush me through hearing that beautiful sound again. I could listen to it all day every day if possible! We discussed if I wanted to come in bi-weekly or monthly. She knew I would be nervous waiting. I knew she would let me come in daily if I wanted to. I told her I'd try to be normal and hold off for the month. If I wanted to come in before that, I would call. I was nervous saying I'd wait a month. I said that last year with our high risk dr because everything looked perfect, and 2 weeks later my water broke with Nathan. I may be calling them in 2 weeks to go in. I am going to try to refrain, but honestly, I'm not sure I'm that strong. 2 weeks is the triplet's birthday too. I am anticipating a giant mess of oneself that week.

I haven't written about my eldest in a while. I need to do that. But that will wait for another post. I love her more than words can describe, but she's giving us a little run for our money these past few weeks. I should have known. If you refresh yourself with my blogs of how difficult she liked to be during my pregnancy with her, and then how difficult of a baby she was, I knew her personality was that of a strong little lady. We will overcome though. I do know that. I may be exhausted, have less hair and more of it be gray, but I will survive this.

We have an ultrasound on Wednesday to see the baby again. I am very excited about that. Can't wait to hear that heartbeat and see that baby wiggle and squirm. Highlights of my day.