hard morning

hard morning this morning. not gonna lie. i woke up at 5am because i had to pee. this is a regular occurrence, and it's usually always between 4 and 5am. i got up and quickly went to the bathroom and climbed back into bed. i laid there, my eyes closed, and all i could picture were my three beautiful babies, nathan, malia and anthony jr laying in my hospital bed with me. then i started going through their delivery and birth...moment by moment. reminiscing in every second. remembering the moments of seeing them, watching anthony jr and malia take breathes....slow breaths, deep breaths...watching their chests rise, their mouths open and close. my heart was breaking. i was sobbing. i still don't understand why there is so much pain and hurt in this life. well i do, let's not get into a biblical debate....i hurt. i kissed their faces again and again, in my mind, behind my closed eyes. i was praying that when i opened my eyes they would be there, snuggled beside me in bed, sleeping peacefully. i opened my eyes, and they weren't there. not to my surprise. but my heart was so overwhelmed. i rolled over, "please God, just bring me peace, comfort, sleep, restoration" i said that over and over. i felt our newest addition move, a little flip flop in my belly. i knew it was him/her. i was reminded again that God is faithful. this child probably wouldn't be with us if our triplets were. not that i would ever choose one or the other. not ever, but i know that we wouldn't have gone through treatments again after the triplets. God is restoring. God is bringing peace. He is bringing comfort. in ways i wouldn't necessarily choose, but He is doing all that i am praying for. i finally fell back asleep, but not for long before my alarm went off. i woke up and while taking a shower the tears flowed again. i miss my sons and daughter so much. their first birthday is coming up. instead of celebrating with kisses and messy faces and presents and joy, we'll be celebrating from far away. a world apart. no kisses for them. no kisses from them. i have never wanted a day to not come like i do their birthday. i'm not ready. emotionally, physically, spiritually. i'm broken. and while God is restoring, there's more to restore than has already been restored. i'm afraid. this is so unknown. how do you celebrate a birthday for children who aren't here?! no one remembers. no one talks about them. i have one friend who will bring them up on her own in conversation. it makes my heart leap with joy. everyone else, they will only talk about them if i do, and even then, i hear the hesitation in their voices. like "why are we talking about dead children right now?" i know no one who has been through this personally. they are all from afar, most all i've never met.  i feel like not too many understand. or feel like i should be over it. i actually have people tell me "well it all worked out", "you couldn't do this with 3 babies and a toddler, so it's all for the better" every time, i want to punch them in the mouth. physically assault them when they say that. i would be honored to have that life. i would give my right arm for them to be here on this earth. it's been a hard morning, and unfortunately, i don't see it looking up for a little while.