Dump

I am just a bad blogger. I really am. I like to think I could find time and energy and enough to talk about daily, but I really can't.

We are 11 weeks now. I have my first official OB/GYN appointment on Friday. I'm excited to hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm excited to see my OB/GYN as well. She is the same one that delivered my triplets.  I absolutely love her. She is amazing. I can't wait for her to be the one that follows us through this pregnancy and delivers this baby. We had to go with another dr last time because of the high risk with triplets. While I loved him, I adore my regular OB/GYN, so I'm happy to be back with her.

I'm a little nervous about the appointment because I don't want the questions and comments from the nurses who I know won't read my file. They usually don't. Last time I was there they were terrible and I heard my dr scold them in the hallway for how they should have read my file and how insensitive they were for not doing that. I really hope they read it, but I've come to learn that the norm is to NOT go above and beyond in your job. I don't want any questions to catch me off guard. I'm a little sensitive right now. Besides the pregnancy, this month is one I never thought would come. And now that it's here, I really just want it to go away. I wouldn't mind skipping this month all together. I'm anxious what every day will bring. I am scared of the feelings I will feel as the end of the month approaches. I am trying to take each day as it comes. I am trying to let God be my all in all, my beginning and end of each day. I know for a fact I won't get through this month if I don't turn to him each day, sometimes each hour, and lately, each minute.

I have been planning their first birthday. We know we are going to do a cake, we will sing happy birthday to them. Claire, Anthony and me. We plan to go to the beach for the day. Play in the sand, make memories. Claire's never been to the beach. Well, I take that back, she was at the beach when she was about 3 1/2 months old. But she's never been when she could enjoy it and take it all in. We want to spend every moment together. It's going to be a beautiful day if I can help it. I took the day off from work, and the day before...I knew that day would be hard too. That's the day Nathan passed. That's the day the nightmare began.

Soooo, I may not be on here much this month. Or maybe it will be a release for me and I'll be on here a lot. Time will tell I guess.

I know I'm taking each day as a new day. This baby deserves nothing but the best of me, and my joy. These may be the last moments I have with this baby and I don't want them to be filled with sorrow and fear. I need prayer though. So if you think of it, and you wouldn't mind....please pray for me. For peace, to not lose sight of my joy and who the maker of the joy is. Please and thank you.