"The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps"...

Proverbs 16:9

How true is that statement. There have been so many things that I had planned out in my life, so many events, so many details. Not much of it happened in the timeline that I set for myself. When I was a little girl playing with my dolls up in my bedroom, I remember thinking that if I went to college, I would find a boy. We would love each other, get married, and have children all before I was 25. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom since I could remember (well that and an elephant, but that is for another day)! I didn't meet a boy in college, well I did meet a few, but they didn't really work out....and God had a plan all along.

After I graduated college I had a new plan. I didn't want to get married before I was 30 years old, and I would start having children around 33. Perfect right? No. God still had a plan and I just wasn't really interested. I met my husband...online...on myspace...I know, I know. I didn't make it easy. I ignored his messages, I was short and tried to show I was uninterested. He was persistent. I refused to give him my phone number for the longest time. This way, if he ever got boring, scary, weird, all I had to do was delete my myspace, and voila! I would be rid of him. God had a different plan. He knew that this man was the man that God had created just for me. Long story short...really short....we are now married after 18 months total of dating/engagement.

When we were dating we always talked about waiting a year or more before starting a family. He is older than I am and didn't want to wait too long, I on the other hand already got married earlier than I "planned" and didn't want to do the kid thing too much earlier either. I really enjoy my sleep, and get-up-and-go-whenever-I-want lifestyle. After about 5 months of being married, we decided we should at least get physicals because I knew it would be difficult to get pregnant. So much for our plan of waiting a year or more. You can read about our fertility journey in previous posts, but after about a year of medications and bruises and heartache, we finally found out we were pregnant. God has a plan.

I always planned to have an uneventful pregnancy (naive, I know). I hoped I wouldn't be sick, I wouldn't be weepy, and that baby would be the healthiest ever. We went for our first ultrasound and the dr came in with worst case scenario news (you can read the last post for that). We came home and prayed, and a few elders and close friends at my church came around me that week, layed hands on my baby, and prayed. I believed that this time, our plan of a healthy baby would be God's plan as well. So much for the "no nausea" pregnancy. I can't eat a friggin thing! I am sick all day, but that makes me feel wonderful to know that that only means the baby is still alive and well inside of me. We went for our ultrasound again yesterday. We got nothing but WONDERFUL news. Our baby's sac was now at about 7 weeks, and the baby is measuring at 8 weeks. That means while the baby grew the week it was supposed to, the sac grew a week and a half! I do not have to go on the injectable drugs, and I no longer have to continue with the baby aspirin a day! Praise God! I knew the baby would catch up. We have another ultrasound next week, and can't wait to see our little one again! This child will have more pictures before he/she is born than after!

Here is the newest ultrasound, you can even see how much bigger both the sac, and the baby have grown!

Hang in there...this one will be long

It's been a while since I've posted. I wasn't sure when I would post again. I left off with my husband and I having been inseminated and waiting to find out if it worked. We had to wait two, looooonnnnnggggg weeks to find out if we were pregnant. On September 14th, around 7:30am we took a pregnancy test, and within seconds it was POSITIVE!!! We were so excited. Sources say I may have even teared up a bit. My husband was still sleeping, so I went downstairs to take a picture because I didn't want to loose the lines (now I know they won't go away). I climbed back into bed next to my husband and whispered in his ear that he was going to be a daddy! He was so excited. I showed him the test, and we were ecstatic! I had to finish getting ready for work, and while I was getting ready I heard him tell our dog that he was going to be a big brother. That made my heart melt a little more. I am so in love with my husband. He may be a big, muscular, tough guy on the outside, but he's such a softy! (Shhh, don't tell him I let out that secret!)

Well, because it was so early, I didn't want to post it on here yet, because the only thing I regret about this whole fertility process is the amount of people that know all our deadlines and important dates. Can't keep a secret, and definitely can't be creative with how to spread the news! Anyways, I called our dr that day and went in for blood work to confirm. They had me go for blood work every other day that week. My numbers were rising normal, so I was done with that and got to schedule the ultrasound. It has been the LONGEST 3 weeks of my life waiting for this ultrasound. When I scheduled it I was thinking about taking the last possible appointment so that I could work a full day. What a mistake that was! I couldn't think about anything else all day long. So, that mistake won't be made again, 1st available appointment for ultrasounds in the future. Our ultrasound was yesterday afternoon. We went in, couldn't keep the smiles off our faces. We were both so excited to see our baby. This was really real! We went in and saw our little grain of rice (that's right, just ONE for all those out there who were hoping for multiples), and the top half was flickering with the heartbeat. My husband couldn't see, so the dr. said she would try to hear it, and we did! We got to hear the heartbeat! It was the most incredible moment of my life. I will never forget the first time we heard our baby's life! Makes me tear up just thinking about it! The dr. had to leave for a phone call and would be right back. I got dressed and my husband and I gushed over the pictures. Really, it doesn't look like a darn thing yet because it's still so small, but we know what it is!

When the dr returned the mood in the room slightly shifted. She said she only wanted to talk about one thing that concerned her. Red flags went up, blood drained out of my face, and I don't think I could feel my legs. We sat and she began by saying our baby measured right where he/she should at 7 weeks, however, our sac was measuring at 5 1/2 weeks. It could mean an array of things that we won't know for at least another week. It could be fine and just mean we will have a smaller sac, it could mean chromosomal abnormalities, it could mean the baby won't make it much longer, the list goes on. In the beginning of our fertility route, I was tested for EVERYTHING. My antibody levels were slightly raised, that is one reason they found I had Celiac's Disease. She said that it wasn't anything to worry about at that time. She brought up those levels yesterday. I had to be retested to see if the pregnancy changed my levels at all. I also started on a baby aspirin a day. Next week we have another ultrasound and the dr said if the sac hasn't grown then we will worry more. I will start on an injectable drug called lori-something-or-other, and along with the baby aspirin, see if that helps at all. It has something to do with the network of blood vessels, and such, transporting the correct amounts of everything to the baby. I asked all the questions I could think of, listened to as much as I could take, and left to schedule my next week's ultrasound. We left in kind of a whirlwind, at least I did. How come nothing is ever just normal for me. I can't go in and leave with a perfectly normal exam/bill of health. My husband is a rock though. In the elevator he told me he rebuked the dr's every words. He said our baby is in God's hands and God has a plan already. We will be fine with it, and that our baby will be fine, and we will pray even harder over this little life inside of me. He told me not to stress, and I am really trying. Next week won't come quick enough, I know that much.

All this to say, I decided to let the cat out of the bag early to get as much prayer as possible for our little one right now. We will know more next week, and until then I will be praying with fervency like never before, as I hope you all join with me in doing. I will keep you posted, I promise. Thanks for your prayers, and thanks for your inquiries all of you who couldn't wait for this post and contacted me personally. This child belongs to the Lord, so His will I pray is done with this little life. Just please God, let your will be a healthy, strong, beautiful baby!

I'll leave you with this image...(it's a little blury, but really it's not much to see just yet!)

No news yet...

but maybe in a week! After my last post it was a whirlwind of dr's appointments. I was getting my blood drawn every other day, and the days in between I was getting ultrasounds done. My thigh was bruised in multiple places, both my arms were bruised, and I broke down crying multiple times over the constant needles and just the thought of the whole procedure. I know many people endure this for many more years than I have, and I absolutely give them props. I can't do this much longer. It's emotionally draining, not to mention it doesn't help that the medications make me even more emotional.

So, after 21 days of shots and blood draws, and ultrasounds, my dr was excited to see that I had 2, maybe even 3, viable eggs to be released! Yes! Not 8, and not 1! 3 - 4 is the ideal amount to have the most success. Last Saturday we went in for an ultrasound and my follicles were at 17 and 18mm, the perfect size. So she wanted me to have one more shot Saturday (we'll talk more about that later), and then on Sunday have the HcG shot. Monday was the scheduled IUI. We were so excited. It worked, it actually worked! I couldn't believe I was going to ovulate, let alone the possibility of pregnancy. I just haven't ovulated in an abnormally long time! The dr took us into her office to show us how to do the shots I would be receiving that weekend. It's hard to explain, but the shots I had at home came in a pen with 450ui. Needing only 112.5 of that, it would be wasting a lot of medication, as well as money. So, our dr gave us the last dose of medicine for Saturday. It came in 3 viles, 1 water, 2 powder. There was a mixing technique and then the dreaded shot. Only this time instead of the 1/2 in needle in my thigh I was used to and could tolerate, it was a 1 1/2 in needle in my muscle in my butt. Scary!!! We went home, Anthony mixed the medicine later that day and I iced my butt for 1/2 an hour. Yeah, that's right. I wanted it good and numb. I laid down on my bed, and my husband (nervous and scared he would hurt me) mixed my the meds and I started hyperventilating and crying so hard. I have an INTENSE fear of needles. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. My husband kept walking me through deep breaths and then it happened. He stuck me right in the muscle with that ENORMOUS needle. It didn't hurt that bad, some burning is all. After though, it felt like growing pains down my butt and leg. It was uncomfortable to sit or lay on my right side for the remainder of the day and night. Unfortunately, my husband then had to go to work for the night. I was upset about that as well, but it's life. Sunday I woke up any my right side felt fine again. Thank God! It didn't last that long. But, now it was time for the other cheek. We had to have our HcG shot by noon on Sunday, so when my husband got home from work that morning, he slept and I watched church online. I had to wake him up, he mixed the medicine again. This time there was 1 vile of water, and 1 of powder. My husband reminded me that it wasn't so bad last time....and you better bet that I iced my butt for 1/2 an hour again so that it would be numb. I started crying (again, I can't help it), and deep breaths, and my husband stuck the needle in. I screamed, literally. I started screaming and crying hysterically. It hurt so incredibly bad, a pain I can't even describe. It felt like he went in my side directly into my hip bone. Obviously, he didn't, but he pulled the needle out before he injected the medication. Yes, I was screaming that bad. After, I settled down, deep breaths, he put the needle back in and injected the medicine. Not that bad. Monday morning we went in to drop off the "specimen" at 9am. Then, we needed to return at noon for the insemination. It was a quick procedure, out of the office by 12:15 and home to lounge around with my husband. I've had mild cramping on and off for the past few days, but nothing alarming.

We are praying this works because I am not sure I can go through this again. I would take a thousand shots in my thigh over the one in my butt, I know this for sure. We will know if we are pregnant 2 weeks from the IUI. We are taking a pregnancy test on the 14th of September, and then we have to call the dr office on the 15th. We are super excited for what God can and will do in our lives through this process.

**on a side note** I have a daily calendar on my desk with a verse for every day. It's been pretty amazing through this process that many of the scriptures are exactly what I need to hear or study on that day. Yesterday's (when I was really wondering "what if this doesn't work?") it was "And the child grew, and the Lord blessed him." Judges 13:24! If that's not God's divineness, then I don't know what is.

Sorry...but not really...

I haven't posted in a while. With good reason though. Nothing much has changed. I am still getting daily shots and going for blood work every other day. My levels are SLOWLY rising, which really is a good thing. They are being extra cautious with me because they said I have a "scary amount of eggs" in my ovaries, and they don't want all of them deciding to mature at once. So while my levels stick around the 121 mark at day 12 (probably more now because it's day 15 and I find out today the new levels), we are waiting til they are up around 400. This may take a while. I started at 94.

We were encouraged though. They dr told us that it isn't a matter of whether or not this will work, it will definitely work!!! Yea!!! It's just a matter of timing, and getting my levels to rise on the right dose, and waiting for a few eggs to mature. We can't wait. Hopefully, in the next month of so we will have exciting news!!!

Until then, off to my daily routine!

Just a quickie...

The dr. called on Saturday morning and said that my levels are rising, but they aren't high enough yet. Which means I get to continue with the shots through Monday and go back for more blood work on Monday. Tuesday I will call the office at 9 and find out the next steps. Getting close. I can't wait to see what happens. The side effects have been really yucky as time goes on and my levels rise. I have been pretty nauseous, pretty intense headaches, and lots of bruises on my thigh. Good times. Oh please work!!! Until I get more news, that's all I got. I'm going to lay back down. Writing this has made me tired and sick again. blah...

New Decor

This is the newest addition to my bedroom decor. Please ignore the empty glass I fill with water each night, and the stack of papers and calendars that serve to remind me of what I need to do each day in this process. As of yesterday's dr appointment, my brain has officially been declared as broken in the area of communicating with my ovaries. Maybe they are in a fight. I don't care anymore. The only thing left for us to do right now is the injectable drugs. We got a lesson on how to administer them yesterday. I then went for blood work to check my estrogen levels. Today the dr has said they are good and to start administering the meds. So, starting this afternoon, and for the next 7 - 10 days, my husband will be poking me with needles. I'm a bit nervous. I don't do needles. I once had knee surgery, and for the dr's to get an IV in me, it took 3 nurses, the dr, and my mom and dad to hold me down. It was bad. And that was a simple IV. Good thing I was asleep for the ripping open of my knee and the sewing back up. I HATE needles, and I never say "hate"! I will do this though. The end result is what I've dreamt about for years and years.

The schedule goes something like this:

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - poke, poke, poke, poke

Friday I will go get my blood drawn again to check my estrogen levels, and ovaries can be VERY sensitive to this medication, and it can cause problems if your levels get too high.

The dr will call me Saturday morning. Then depending on the level of estrogen in my system, we will either continue for the next 3 - 6 days with injections, and I am sure, at least one more blood draw.

So, that's my life right now. Still on a schedule, a very rigid, no room for error, consumes my every waking thought schedule. Last night, I was very upset at this outcome. I feel like in some way I've failed. I didn't want it to come to this, I know the risks and I didn't want to make the decisions that may follow. I know there are hundreds, no probably more like thousands of success stories with the use of these drugs, but why would anything be normal? It hasn't up to this point. My husband is my rock. He is always there to hold me, to pick up my pieces, and to encourage me that God is still with us. He is still walking through this with us, and has a plan to fulfill throughout this whole process. I love him. I am so glad he was diligent at pursuing me when I was so skeptical. Today, I have hope. We could be pregnant in 3 weeks. God has a plan. This I know, and what the enemy has planned for destruction, God can turn it around and plan for greatness. Now, on to the greatness!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...

And that's just what we are going to do. Our dr. appointment didn't go as hoped yesterday. When we got to the dr. she did an ultrasound, and in less than one minute she determined my ovaries were doing absolutely nothing. Our next step? We had a choice, more meds, or injectable drugs. Apparently, on the high doses of fertility drugs, my brain isn't telling my ovaries what they should be doing. We have one more dose to try, so we will get our next ultrasound on August 10th. We will then know if we either a) get the HCG shot and get inseminated, or b) start injectable drugs. We need to take a class next week informing us of the use and positive and negative aspects of using injectables. My dr said there should be NO problem with me getting pregnant on the injectables because it's medicine that goes right to my ovaries, and that way my brain won't be the one giving the signals (cause apparently it's confused right now). Why don't we go right to the injectables you may ask? Well, a couple of reasons. It's a big step. There are classes we need to take, a petition to our insurance company that has to take place, there is a VERY high risk that my ovaries will let out multiple eggs because of my age and the fact that I have PLENTY of eggs in my ovaries, and then there is the whole thing about 2 needles getting stuck in to me every day for up to 15 days each month until we become pregnant. If we do injectables, the normal dose is 150units, I will be getting 37.5. That's how risky it is for us to have multiples. While Anthony and I are fine if we have twins, any higher than that, there is a great risk of losing one or more babies. NOT something anyone wants to go through. We are really hoping maybe this last dosage of Clomid will work so we don't have to go the more risky route. So, we are faced with a lot of decisions in the near future, and a LOT of prayer. We believe God must have great plans for our child(ren) and our family if satan thinks this hard about hindering our plans of creating a family. If you read this, and you know the power of prayer, please be petitioning our GREAT GOD on our behalf. We would greatly appreciate it. For now though it's time to endure the side effects of this next dosage. It will all be worth it in the end, we know this for sure.