Christmas Decorating 2012

We spent Saturday morning "decking the halls" if you will. We waited for daddy to get home from work, and we made hot cocoa and put on Christmas music, and started decorating. Last year I thought Claire would have so much fun, and she did, but this year...Oh my! She loved it all, and she is such a task oriented child that she loved being "put to work". It made her so proud to help. Each decoration was brand new to her. Albeit, the singing dog and snowman on my one table may have a gunshot wound to his head and it's only Sunday evening, but if she presses that hand one more time to hear "Jingle Bells" I will have to really jingle his bells. I may be starting to go insane. She's playing with her rubies again, and trying to clean them back up, but getting distracted by squeezing the snowman's hand every 15 seconds. I may or may not have bribed her with chocolate if she stops pressing his hand. I'm not ashamed. 

Picking out what decorations to do next

Playing with the leftover "Rubies"

Oh the cheese face!

Helping mommy put all the bulbs into the glass bowl

She was so proud of being gentle

Daddy wanted in on the pictures

Daddy helping Claire put up her sister's stocking

Some of the decor

My couch table decor

I love my WillowTree collection

 My husband catching a real smile

My favorite decor of all...my mantle. Need to make room for one more next Christmas! 

Giving Thanks

This year Thanksgiving was small. My family was all spread out, and so was my husband's this year. It was the smallest one we've had yet, with just 7 of us. I sat and watched the parade in the morning with my daughter and my mother. My daughter got excited and jumped around singing and dancing to every band and number that performed. I think she'll share in the excitement every year for the parade. So thankful for that. Eventually, her excitement died down though and she went outside with her daddy to "do work". My mother followed to go play with her. I was sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, watching the parade without interruption. I was very thankful. There were a few times I teared up throughout the morning, different songs or things I would see that would make me think of Anthony Jr, Nathan, or Malia. After the parade Claire had lunch and went down for a nap. The cooking frenzy began, and took a few hours. My sister and her kids came over and that was everyone. We visited while Claire slept, I finally got a chance to jump in the shower. I am very thankful for showers. It's my "get-a-way". Hot Hot Hot water. Quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and Dominic. I prayed and thanked God for all He's brought us through and all He's blessed us with in this last year. I made my way downstairs to finish up the food and it was time to eat. I love the food on Thanksgiving. All my favorite foods at one time. So so so so so delish! After dinner was dessert. I love dessert. Let's just be real, I love food. Suddenly, it was late. Time to put Claire to bed. My sister and her kids left to go start their shopping. My mother went to bed early. It was my husband and I snuggled on the couch watching t.v at the end of a busy day. Thankful when we have those moments together, alone. Que emotions. A point in the show where a baby was born, and the baby wasn't breathing. The fear and pain in the parents eyes was terrible acting. Not even close to what you really feel, really look like looking at your child lying there not breathing. The tears flowed more. Time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I ended up on my couch around 3 and just played around on the computer trying to get exhausted enough to go to sleep. It was after 5 and I was still awake. I tried going to sleep again. It was too hard. My mind wouldn't shut off. My emotions wouldn't shut off. I finally fell asleep around 7 for a couple of hours. Thankful my husband let me sleep in a bit and he took care of things in the morning.

Overall, my day went much better than the anxiety leading up to it. Thankful that God was my peace and my strength for the day.

Round 2

I never thought "Round 2" would hit me like this. I've cried 3 times already this morning. I'm not ready for more holidays without my children. everyone says that each year get s better. who made up that rule? stupid. just stupid. it's not better. not at all. i miss them terribly and now, with round 2 just hours away, i am even more saddened that this feels like more reality. they really aren't here. this isn't just a terrible bad dream that took a long time to end. this past year was a year of firsts. now, it's starting out our seconds. thanksgiving and christmas are my 2 most favorite holidays ever.  tomorrow, i will wake up and start making dinner while watching the parade. only i will only be making dinner for 3 less mouths this year. again. my husband said he thinks a lot about how they would be crawling around now and probably trying to start walking. it would be an utter chaos kind of holiday. the kind i love. the kind where i would rather order in because thinking of making all this food while entertaining family and chasing a 2 1/2 yr old and 3 1 yr olds would just overwhelm me to a state of rocking in the corner. i dreamt of that. for 21 weeks. "Round 2" sucks just as bad as "Round 1". they are lying if they tell you different.

Updates...all around!

Let's just do a little run through on some updates, shall we?  Let's start and go youngest to oldest.....

Dominic is doing well. He is constantly moving. I can now feel when it's an elbow or a knee vs just him rolling around/kicking me. I can't wait until that first time I see his heel or foot or hand imprint. That was my favorite part with Claire. Dominic's check ups have all gone well. I just took the glucose test about a week ago and have heard nothing, so that has to be good. I can't have anymore dietary restrictions, I just can't. I'll just die. I'll wither up into nothing (there may be slight drama in those sentences).  I did gain another 4 lbs, so that's up 8 lbs so far. we are at 27 1/2 weeks right now, so we shall see where this goes. I only gained 18 with Claire, so I only have about 10 more to go before I start freaking out. I have had many horrible dreams this pregnancy, and the further along I get, the worse they are getting, so that can stop any day now. We pray over my dreams every night. Eventually, my subconscious will have to surrender to the much higher power of my Jesus. Even my subconscious is stubborn. Oye!  I go to the dr again on the 3rd of December. I'll just 29 weeks then, and I'm going to be brave enough to ask for another ultrasound. I have been meaning to, but chicken out every time. I don't know why. I really want to see him again though. And honestly, I want to have my cervix measured. That is what unnerves me the most. Dominic loves salty, spicy foods. He loves sugar, and coca cola, and he really loves to move. Did I mention that already? No matter what time of day it is, he is pretty busy. When I wake up in the night, no matter what time, or how many times, he's pushing around in there, trying to get comfortable, or playing Wii bowling. I don't know. He's a busy little guy. I have to say though, it doesn't bother me one bit. I absolutely love it. I can't wait for him to move around again in the times he does settle down and "sleep" in there. Overall, I think everything is going so well for him. Thanking God every day for His promises of "yes, and amen".

Claire is doing great as well. She is convinced there is a "dominic" in her belly. To the point of while at the dr's yesterday, laying on the table while getting her diaper changed, she ask me if the "doc-or was going to check her dominic" while she rubbed her belly. I laughed so hard I almost peed (I know, I know, hard to believe...). There is no convincing her that Dominic is most definitely only inside my belly and it doesn't hurt. We've had a few issues with her belly lately, and have figured out that her acid reflux from days or yore has returned, and returned with a vengeance. There isn't a day, and most days, there isn't an hour that goes by that she isn't complaining that her belly hurts. She will point to her belly, or her sternum area. She has thrown up in her sleep....yes, her sleep lately. She doesn't even wake up. I find her when I go to bed covered in vomit and sleeping soundly. I have a video monitor. I'm obsessed with watching her on it. She doesn't make a peep, she doesn't even move. I find her gripping her stuffed animals and blankie in the exact position she goes down in. I am scared out of my mind that she will throw up and choke and stop breathing...to the point where I wake up multiple times in the night to check on her. We finally called the dr to figure out what else to do, and they have said hers is just so bad that she has to be on 2 different meds for now until it gets better. They are afraid of the same thing since her vomiting isn't even making her stir! We are trying to get her to sleep on her belly or her side, but after 2 1/2 yrs of sleeping on her back, she insists on sleeping on her back. We are practicing with her though, because it's better for her reflux, and her mommy's sanity. She also doesn't digest her food normally. It takes FOREVER for her to digest, which is why she's not gaining a ton of weight, has terrible constipation, and terrible acid reflux. When she throws up, 9 hours after a meal and it's contents are still inside her stomach, that's a bad thing. There is nothing to really do for it though, and most likely, she won't outgrow it. Obviously, I'm aware things could be much much worse. It's just acid reflux, but I still hate that my baby is in pain and has to be on all this medication. I'm looking up natural ways to speed up digestion, hoping this will help with many of her issues.

I'm doing well. Huge. Hard to breath. Always nausea. Most days have a headache. And can't remember the last time I got more than 6 hours of sleep. I love every single bit of it. I'll be sad when I'm not pregnant, but happy just the same with Dominic safe on the outside. I'm nervous as anything to get to the end and give birth. I'm so scared of what it's going to be like to hold a, God willing, healthy, crying baby boy. The last time giving birth and holding my children was so wretched, I'm not sure how my emotions are going to handle it. I do know, every time I think about it, I cry. I'm scared something will go wrong last minute. I'm scared I won't get to take Dominic home. I'm scared I will take Dominic home and everyone will forget about the 3 beautiful children between Claire and Dominic's births. Already people say things like "oh a boy and a girl, just perfect". I know it's not really their intention to be cutting like that, but I can't help the urge of wanting to punch them in the face for even thinking such a thing. No, I have 3 boys and 2 girls. No one would make that comment if all my children were living here with me. Instead, I smile politely and walk away. Honestly, one of these days I won't be able to hold back. I will word vomit on them. I know I will. Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr's lives may mean nothing to them, but to me, they changed my every makeup of who I am. They have changed my family forever. They have changed my view of family, and what it means to me. They are never out of my mind, and never will be. I have more than 2 children. I have more than just a boy and a girl. I pray I'm never insensitive and always aware that there is more to people's stories than what you see in a physical picture at that moment.

My husband is doing great too. He's my rock. Most days. Some days I want to hit him with a rock, but I know it's just my hormones. Blame it on the baby. (I kid....mostly...) He assures me that everything will be ok. We pray constantly together for Dominic and for his health and growth. We thank God every day for allowing us to be pregnant again and to hopefully bring this baby home to raise and love and play with. He works hard to make sure he's home and has a beautiful relationship with our children. He's always thinking of ways to include the triplets into things as I am. I love his tender heart. He has masterminded a plan to have our house paid off in less than 2 years. It's brilliance. In this plan, it will mean that I will stay home with our children someday much sooner than I planned. It isn't something most people would pick because there are sacrifices involved, but the sacrifices are for such a short time, that it doesn't seem that big of a deal. My problem is I want to never stop doing all we do to help others and live comfortable lives, so selfishly I work for those reasons. With his plan though, we will still do all we are doing, and won't notice a difference at all by the time I am staying home and the house is paid off. I'm so proud of how disciplined he is with our money, and I'm so proud of his financial genius that moves the numbers around to always work them in our favor. Of coarse, we attribute all of this to God and His faithfulness to us in our faithfulness to Him. I wouldn't want to leave that major detail out.

Well, that about sums it up. Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away, and I have to battle the crazy's at the grocery store to pick up a lot of the ingredients for dishes I'm making yet. We always do Thanksgiving at our house and this year, we are doing most of the cooking too. My husband's request. As long as no one interrupts my parade, I'll do whatever they want. Just don't speak or move or breath loudly during the parade (again, I kid....sort of...).

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day everyone, and remember who the giver of all Good things is.

Lately...

I'm having a really rough few days. Today, my husband text me while I was on a field trip with work. In a movie theatre, watching "Wreck it Ralph", I get a text saying my husband will have to work Christmas this year. Usually, there is a young kid who doesn't mind and has worked for my husband in the past when he's had to work Christmas. This year, he has a girlfriend. He is spending Christmas with them. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal. Normally, I'd just move on. It's just a day really. We can celebrate before or after the 25th. Today wasn't "normally" though. I shed a few tears. In the theatre. During a cartoon. I quickly pulled myself together, but haven't been able to get it out of my head. This will be my first Christmas Day without my husband, and without Anthony Jr, Nathan, and Malia.

The first holiday season was hard. Really hard. I was still pretty depressed getting through it. I was still crying every day, and sitting in God's presence as much as I could just to be able to breath. This season approaching....very, very, very rapidly.....is seeming to be just as hard. Some say it's gets easier as time goes on. And while I'm not a puddle in the corner having a hard time catching my breath every day, I am still missing my children. A whole lot. And as each day goes by, I realize that I'm only going further and further away from the day they were born, the day I kissed their sweet faces, smelled their heads and necks, held them tightly to my chest. I feel like each holiday without them will only get harder. It will only prove that time keeps moving forward, and they are not here. I can't pick them up, sniff the napes of their necks, kiss their warm fleshy cheeks. And now, without my husband to hold me up, Christmas is up to me for my daughter, for my family parties. I know I can't do it. I know I may duck out of Christmas this year. I may check out completely and lay in my bed snuggling my daughter and watching Elmo all day long, eating cookies, and pretending it's just another day.

I know it's just a new part of life I am going to have to figure out, and I know I don't have to do it alone. I have my faithful Father in heaven and I know He's never going to let me go. He's going to help me breath in and out and get through each new day. Sometimes, though, I really just don't know how to do it, even with His help. Lately, I'm at my desk and find myself on the verge of tears, or in the middle of the store, and ready to just about lose it, or laying on my couch watching a comedy with my husband and just can't hold back the tears. Lately, I am missing them so much that the scar on my heart is starting to bleed again.

The Room

All the furniture has arrived for Dominic's room. We put the crib together yesterday. The decor will go up on the walls this week. Yesterday, I spent nap time putting all his clothes and blankets and sheets away. I put aside his hospital clothes, socks, hats to be put in my hospital bag in the next few weeks. I then laid on his floor, with my computer and a few pillows. I ordered some leggings and onesies for Dominic, and then I put my head down and closed my eyes. Not too long ago this room was tan with tan carpet. There were 3 cribs and a dresser stuffed into this room. This room wasn't supposed to be decorated like this. The wall color changed. The carpet color changed. Only 1 crib in the room now. I shed a few tears. It's hard to look into the room and see all of this new furniture. It's hard to think that Dominic wouldn't be growing and squirming around inside of me if the triplets were still alive. It's hard to think I couldn't have it both ways, triplets here with us and Dominic preparing to join us on this side of my womb. Life is nothing like I pictured. I am definitely blessed, and thankful for all that we have and all of our children, but I can't help but have waves of intense sadness that the way this life is shaping up, the family I have is all because of 3 of my children waiting in heaven for me. 

waiting

I'm sitting here feeling my son move around inside of me. He may be a gymnast the way he just somersaults in there. Lord knows, there is plenty of room. I compared my 24 week with Claire with my 24 week with Dominic. I'm a tad bigger. And by tad, I mean I'm a whale. Just ask my oh-so-kind friend Becca. She called me "large and in charge" yesterday. She told me I won't fit into shirts by Christmas. She said I should just wear a giant garbage bag around because that's all that will fit. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. She didn't say ALL that, but she thought it. I can read her mind. I can't walk down the hallway without being winded. I was like that all 3 times though. It's like my lungs are the first to get squished. I love it. I love every second of it. There is less than 15 weeks to my pregnancy, and I know it will be here before I know it. I don't want it to end. I mean, I DO because I want to meet him, hold him, smell him, snuggle him, kiss him, never let him go....but I cherish the moments he's inside of me. I'm selfish that way. He's all mine, all the time. I know every part of him, I know when he's awake and when he's sleeping. When he has the hiccups, and when he's doing the "worm" to make room and get comfortable. I know my days are only going to get more tiring, and I'm completely ok with that.


They say you get less sleep when you are pregnant because your body is preparing to be used to getting up with an infant. Really though, it's my daughter who's preparing my body. She sucks at sleeping lately. She whines and cries when we put her down. If she falls right to sleep, she wakes in the middle of the night, fake crying, whining, for hours. No exaggeration there. The minimal has been 3 hours in the middle of the night. Off and on crying. I'm over that. Promise. She's always been an excellent sleeper. This momma is tired and I can't get up with my almost 3 yr old and a newborn. So I'm just praying God will have some mercy on me and knock her out. Seriously.

Ok, well here's the comparison with Claire and Dominic at 24 weeks:

Me pregnant with Claire

Me pregnant with Dominic