Thanksgiving

I'm not so sure how I feel about celebrating with extended family tomorrow. Originally, we were planning on either being on bed rest, or having preemie newborns. We weren't planning on doing Thanksgiving. It becomes an unnecessarily stressful holiday when there are too many cooks in the kitchen. My mother-in-law decided to come into town. Ok, so we'll do Thanksgiving with my husband's side of the family. Then, the husband decides he wants to do EVERYTHING. This is no longer a stress-free holiday. I am trying to roll with the punches, but it's not easy. Plans change every 10 minutes, and I'm anxious enough. I don't want to be around anybody, but if I have to be, I need stability. I need a constant. I need familiarity. I need support, I need gentleness, and I need a spirit of encouragement and love, not sarcasm, insults, and "joking". It's not the time for it. Not this year. I'm trying with every fiber of my being to be thankful for so many things this year. It's so easy to go into default mode and be bitter, angry, sad. I don't want to be there, but it takes work. And it takes a very peaceful environment. So far, not working. I am praying for peace, almost every second. Tomorrow can't get over fast enough. I just want to sit in a room with my daughter and watch the parade. No interruptions, no nonsense. And when it's over, go to sleep. Think that could happen? Doubtful.

dr's

the official report is that the spot on my uterus is embedded in my lining, it's about the size of my nose ring. It has shrunk even since last Thursday when they originally found it. My high risk OB said it's most likely left over placenta that was so hard they couldn't get it. He says it ok to be in there, won't cause harm, will eventually come out, and as long as I don't start bleeding again uncontrollably, we are all set to continue in trying to get pregnant again. It won't hurt anything. Very happy to hear all that.

My Firstborn

My daughter is hilarious. AND she knows it. She counts it her job to make my husband and I laugh. Now, it's super funny, later, I'm afraid not so much. Even when I give her my stern "I'm serious" face after reprimanding her, she will look at me for a second, cock her head to the side, smile ridiculously big, and start giggling and twirling....like a "look at me mommy, I'm so funny and cute, you can't POSSIBLY be mad at me!" look. It gets us every time. My husband and I will just look at each other and whisper "darn her cuteness!". I always tell her, "You can get away with this now Claire, but I'm afraid you will get yourself into trouble later!" That's her gift though. Making people laugh. It seems like ever since we came home from the hospital without the triplets, she's made it her job. Don't get me wrong. She has ALWAYS been the cutest and has always been a pretty funny character, but she didn't consider it her job like she does now. I love this trait about her. She is the most sensitive little girl you will ever meet. She can sense a mood and know exactly what to do to lighten it. She has always been sensitive, since birth. At one time, my husband and I actually hoped she would grow out of it. Now, I am thankful God didn't answer that prayer! It is a beautiful part of who she is. When I am upset, she runs to me, hugs me, and "talks" to me, trying to make me smile or laugh. When my husband playfully "attacks" me, or hugs me or touches me at all, she will run over and with a concerned look on her face to make sure I am ok, sometimes starting to cry because she thinks I'm hurt. She is so incredibly sensitive. She is such a gift, in every sense of the word. I am so blessed and honored to have her here with me on this earth. I am so blessed and honored to be her mommy. I am grateful God has given her to me as my first born. Our family just wouldn't be the same without her. God has used her to help in our healing through our loss, and I can't wait to see how He uses her in the future. I know her purpose is great.

On a side note, this morning as I was getting ready in my room, Claire was walking around the upstairs giggling and dragging around her big, fluffy, brown blanket. She came into my bedroom and dropped the blanket. With her hand up above her head pointed down, she started to command her blanket "down! down! down!" over and over again. See, she does this with her dog all the time because she sees my husband and I say it to the dog. She is bossy like that. Even when he IS down, she commands him "down!". I couldn't stop laughing. She is hilarious!

venting...

and may be TMI. It never ends. Every day is a battle of the wills for me to get out of bed and choose life, joy, healing. Each day is a little easier, sometimes there are setbacks, but mostly, time seems to actually heal a little. It will be 11 weeks this Sunday since I had the babies. I have been bleeding on and off ever since I had the babies. When I had Claire, it lasted maybe 2 - 3 weeks. So, to my surprise, it has pretty much been constant for the 6 weeks, then 8 weeks.....I called my dr. The nurse said sometimes women will bleed for a few weeks after the 6 week mark, and to call back if it continued much longer. It was on and off again for the next few weeks. I called my dr yesterday because it's now just officially a nuisance. One minute I will think I am all done, and then next I'm apparently not. They wanted me to come right in for an ultrasound to make sure that I didn't still have placenta left over. It was highly unlikely since I had to have a D&C after the babies were born, but something was causing this. The dr's office said they were hoping to call me by the end of the day with a preliminary report. I can pretty much give myself an ultrasound and know exactly what I'm looking at I have had so many. I saw my ovaries, looked normal to me. I even saw a follicle on each of them. The follicle's actually looked pretty big too! I got excited about that! Then, while measuring my lining, and my uterus, I saw a bright white spot in the middle of my uterus. I have never before seen anything like that on an ultrasound before. I didn't know what it could be, or if it was anything at all. The tech finished the ultrasound, and I left the office. I got home and the dr was already calling to let me know the prelim looked normal so to just call if it kept up much longer. I was hopeful about the follicles, and figured I would wait til early next week and call back if I was still bleeding. I figured my uterus went through something so traumatic, that apparently, this was normal. Plus, I had triplets, lots more hormones right? So I thought. This afternoon while I was at work, my dr called me. She wasn't working today, so she called me from home. She has done this many times, even to just check on me. She is THE best OB/GYN! She told me that there was a 5mm spot on my uterus, it was the bright white spot I had seen on the ultrasound. She talked it over with our high risk OB/GYN, and they didn't think it could possibly be left over placenta because of the D&C. They were very thorough. She said it could be placenta, or a fibroid, or something else. What exactly would "something else" mean? Who knows. She said normally, she wouldn't even bother with something so small if it was placenta, but because I'm still bleeding, it's not normal. She also thinks, if it was placenta, I should have an infection. I am not showing signs of an infection that I can tell. That scares me. I didn't show signs of an infection when I ended up in the hospital giving birth to my triplets either. I don't tend to get fevers, and body aches, etc are normal for me...plus I just got diagnosed with strep after wondering for a month if I had it. My dr went on to say they want me to go in for a repeat ultrasound and a histogram (not sure of the spelling or pronunciation of that word). She said they will insert a catheter and put some fluid in my uterus to distend it and make it easier to see what is inside. She said it will be uncomfortable. I was upset. I called my husband to let him know. He responded with "it never ends does it?" I was more upset. My body just keeps failing me, and though it makes me upset, I can handle it. It's just me. But I can tell that my body failing upsets my husband and failing my husband makes me even more upset. I was hoping we were on the road to being able to get pregnant again soon. I was wrong. I just want this nightmare to end. Isn't it enough that my body couldn't carry the triplets long enough? Isn't it enough that I have 3 urns reminding me every day that I have 3 children in heaven because of this? Isn't it enough that I have had to bleed for 11 weeks? I am praying it's just a piece of placenta. I am also praying this doesn't cause any harm in our future of trying again. I am praying that I wake up from this constant state of failing. I'm not good at failing. I never have been.

and....that's my vent. Now I'm off to sleep this exhaustion off. Hope I wake up and won't be bleeding anymore!

"Courageous"...caution, spoiler alert...

We saw the movie "Courageous" last night, my husband and I. It was my idea. I didn't read what the movie was about, I just knew that it was a message that I would agree with, being a movie written from a godly perspective. Bad idea. Really, really bad idea. Let me start at the beginning. Awhile ago, my husband and I had seen an episode of "19 Kids and Counting" where they were extras in a movie called "Courageous" that was a christian based movie. My husband had said he would like to see that movie. Apparently, at one point he had seen a preview that it was about police men, and he mentioned to my cousin (who is a police officer) that he should watch it, he might really like it. That was the end of that. We had a toddler at home who refused anyone but grandma to watch her, and we had triplets on the way, which meant I could barely walk around my house without getting incredibly tired and winded and sore. We weren't going to go sit in a theatre where I would be incredibly uncomfortable. Sitting isn't really an option when there isn't enough room to have a right angle between your legs and your belly anyways. We were going to wait for it to come out on video. The end. Except it wasn't. You know how that ended.

So when my mom called over the weekend saying she didn't have to work Tuesday and would like to come out to spend the day with Claire, I jumped at the fact of being able to have a date with my husband Monday night. We have had gift cards to the Regal for almost a year now. 2 of them. Free date, free snacks. Absolutely perfect. I looked up movies and NOT to my surprise, there wasn't anything my husband and I would like to see. Everything had adultery, or explicit language, etc. I saw "Courageous", I remembered Anthony saying he wanted to see it, it was playing at a time we could go, a date! So we decided we would do that. Never had time to look up the movie after that, hoping the times didn't change we went to the movie last night. Obviously, a low budget film, but a wonderful message and a wonderful movie.

As that is said though, we were totally unprepared for one of the main events of the movie. The family, while not perfect, but a family just the same, went about daily life taking everything for granted. Much like my family up until 10 weeks and 2 days ago. The family in this movie lost their daughter tragically. Bam. Like I was punched in the stomach. I felt the pain of the family in this movie. I knew their thoughts, I knew their struggles in that moment, and in the moments to come. I couldn't stop the tears, and maybe my husband won't like me to admit this, but neither could he. A father lost his daughter in this movie. My husband lost a daughter...and 2 sons. A mother lost her daughter in this movie. I lost my daughter...and my 2 sons. A brother lost his sister in this movie. My daughter lost her sister...and 2 brothers. This family was changed, and had to rely on God to show them how to live again. As did we. They could have stayed angry, refused to learn what God would show them through this tragedy, and grow more and more bitter. Instead, they reached into the deepest parts of their being, and relied fully on the mercy of their Savior to guide them down the path of healing, and wholeness. To guide them to a place where they felt life would be ok again, never the same, but ok again. They allowed God to touch them in their mourning, and in that became stronger, more faithful, more compassionate, and more understanding people. My family is still learning. We are trying to do the same.

This movie shook me. I wanted to make sure I didn't stay in one place too long. I want God to constantly mold my heart to look more like His. I want to not take one single second for granted. Not one single painful second. Whether it's bad behavior in my daughter, whether she doesn't sleep or eat, or whether she whines all day long, I want to be thankful that she's here with me to do those things. We may be missing a huge part of our family, but it doesn't mean we can't still be a family. Things could have turned out way different. We could have chosen the path to stay angry and bitter. To turn from the God who created our innermost beings. We didn't though. Thank the Lord! I don't want to know what that black hole would feel like. I felt like I had been in a part of that black hole for a while after we lost the triplets (by the way, I HATE that terminology. I didn't lose my children. I know right where they are. I have known right where they were their entire lives. I wish there was different way of saying that! Alright, enough of that bunny trail. That could be a post all in itself!). I couldn't imagine staying there.

I also took something away from the movie though. I learned that I can't just look at what I will miss out on Anthony Jr's, Malia's and Nathan's lives. I have to be thankful every day for what I did get to experience with them, and the time I did have with them. It's hard being so short, but the details of when they were inside of me, and the breaths I got to see and feel them take outside of my womb are things some people never get to experience. I am thankful for that. Nathan was a fighter, and was anxious to meet the world. Malia couldn't sit still, but had such a peace and gentleness on her face when she was born. Anthony Jr seems so calm and relaxed while inside, except the techs always said he never stopped kicking his sister. He wanted more room for himself. He refused to come out after his brother and sister left my womb. They had to burst his sac because he refused to leave it. I think he was enjoying a few minutes to himself inside. He came out with such a coy smile on his face, and his hand and arm resting, relaxed behind his head. I want to hang on to those little pieces of their personalities forever. Never forgetting. It could have ended in the beginning with their other 3 siblings we never got to meet that we lost so early on. Instead, we got to know the triplets, and I am so thankful for those little glimpses we had.

All this to say, read the premise of the movie before you go see it. It could save you a lot of tears, and heartache, and reliving moments of your life you would rather not. At the same time, it could teach you more about your heart than you thought your heart was capable of learning.

and so on and so forth

a debbie downer post, i realize. this is my journal, and just wanted to get this all out. you can always skip over this and wait for an upbeat post...


it's hard to breath tonight. i started searching for ornaments and stockings for the triplets for this Christmas, and it's been downhill ever since. i can't get past the fact that each moment i live in each day, it's without 3 of my children that should be here with me. i should be waking up in the night, i should be exhausted from the demanding schedule of 3 infants and a toddler. i shouldn't have time to do all this baking and crafting. one minute i try to just forget about it all, but there is no forgetting. there is no "getting over this". i have to function for my husband, for my daughter, but today, not much of me wants to do anything but lay in a ball in my bed. today is hard. 9 weeks ago ...will i always count the weeks? the days? the months? i was laying in the hospital bed feeling anthony and malia kicking and twirling. not a care in the world. they had no idea what was going to happen in less than 10 hours. they had no idea. i tried to tell them, while i was laying in that bed. i tried to apologize, and tell them i wish there was another way, i wish this didn't have to be. i know they heard me, i hope they understood me. God was with us. He was in our room. we could sense His Presence. i was praying for a miracle, a way out. each time they kicked, each time they rolled around inside of me, i cried. they were alive. they were safe. they were supposed to be here in time for Christmas. we were supposed to be a quiet family at home for Christmas. just anthony, claire, me, nathan, malia and anthony jr. now we have to "pretend" through this holiday season. i knew it was going to be hard, but i prayed it would be doable. after today, such a small task, so far away from the actual holidays...i am not so sure. i don't want to be around anyone but my husband and daughter. honestly, i don't even know if i will be able to hold myself together. thank God my husband is home this year for those holidays.

claire and i went shopping this morning, grabbed McDonald's for lunch, she napped, i looked for ornaments and cried. we had a lot of cuddling after nap, a lot of puzzles, and reading, and tickling, and laughing. a lot of "normal". she ate dinner while i did laundry and dishes. she took a bath, went to bed, and i baked cookies while crying. that's the new "normal". i cry a lot. i just have to do it when i don't have to be "mom", or "employee", or even sometimes "wife". most days are ok, i can get by, i can feel sad, but thankful that i had the time with them that i did. then there are days that i don't know how i am going to get from moment to moment, i gasp for air, and can't stop crying. i get angry about how we am supposed to be living this life with 4 beautiful children along side us, but we're not. and it's hard. it's more than hard. the Christmas season is supposed to be full of joy and love and peace, and i'm just not sure how to push out the sadness so that i can fill up with those things right now.

Family day...

We went to Stokoe Farms Saturday morning. We made sure to be there right at 10am when they opened because we knew we would need to leave at lunch time to get Claire home for her nap. We hit everything we could in that time, and Claire loved it all. We started out on the big slide. Daddy took her down that so I could take lots of pictures. We went to see the animals, and watch the hen show. She was totally enamored by those hens and their singing. It was adorable! We then went over to the "fun barn" and Claire played in the corn pit. She absolutely loved it. She was smiling ear to ear (pun intended). We then took the hayride to pick out pumpkins and stopped at the tricycle racing course. Daddy pedaled on the family bike while Claire and I just enjoyed the ride. She happily ate her snack and drank her water while daddy weaved all over the course. In the pumpkin patch she tried to pick up all the pumpkins, even the ones as big as she was. After falling many times in the mud, we decided it would be better to pick out the nice clean pumpkins at the entrance to the farm. We stopped at the corn maze, and she thought it was such a blast. She would run up and down the trails, I would hide and jump out of the corn at her. I have never heard her giggle so much in my life! It made my day to know she enjoyed her time there so much, and the memories we made as a family are just indescribable. Back on our hayride we went to pick out Claire's pumpkin. After a few more pics in the pumpkin bins, losing a boot, and lots more smiles Claire picked out her pumpkin and pumpkins for the triplets. It was closing in on lunch time, so we checked out and went to the truck to eat lunch. She was so exhausted, her eyes kept crossing she was trying so hard to stay awake. It was one of the most amazing days I have had in a really long time. Now to choose what pics to post...sooo hard! They are all so cute...