Naming my babies

Walking with You

This week is about naming our babies. Those who aren't here with us anymore, and even those who are, how we came up with the names for our children, etc. Names are important to moms. We want to be able to call our children a name that means something to us. It's even more important for our children who aren't here on earth with us any longer. I want to talk about my children. I want to call them by name. It means everything to me when someone mentions one of the triplet's names. It doesn't happen much at all because it's not something people around me think to do. It probably makes them uncomfortable, or they don't know what to say, or maybe they have even forgot. Just to say "I'm thinking of (Anthony Jr, Nathan, Malia) today" would mean so much to me.

We named Claire after many months of calling her "Ava". Her first picture on the sonogram that my husband has in his phone is labeled "baby ava". We still laugh over that. We loved that name from day one. Long before we were even married we said we would name our first daughter Ava. Well, we were now 5 months pregnant and EVERYONE was naming their baby girls Ava. I couldn't do it. I don't like common names. I don't like everyday names. I like old names. I like names that haven't been used in years. I like original names. It's very hard to get the husband to agree to them though since he is so stuck in making sure they are at least a little Italian. Anyways, Claire......my husband's grandmother was named Clara. I loved the name...but couldn't do it. I kept thinking Clarabelle the Cow in Mickey Mouse. I loved Claire though. And so it became my daughter's name. Marie is her middle name. That is my middle name and my husband's mom's name. So Claire Marie. And it fits her so well. We always think about what it would have been like to call her Ava....and it doesn't fit her at all. I'm glad we changed it.

Claire means "clear, bright"

Marie means "wished for child"

We always knew that our first boy would be named Anthony Thomas Jr. It is my husband's grandfather's names and he wanted to carry on their legacy. I was more than willing to oblige since I love his name, and I love naming children after people in our family. My father is not a part of my life, so that would be out. My grandfather's names are Edgar Bailey and Burton Gustov. So needless to say, we weren't going there. Baby C was supposed to be born first because it was a planned c-section. It only made sense that because Baby C was a boy, he would get the name Anthony Thomas Jr. Well, he was born last, and we couldn't change their names. We had been calling Baby C Anthony for 6 weeks.

Anthony means "priceless, or he adds"

Thomas means "a twin"

Nathan Richard was really easy. We both agreed on Nathan as a name. We love how simple it is. I don't know a single child named Nathan, and have never in 11 years had a Nathan go through the daycare I am a director at. Meets that requirement! Richard is my father in law's name. Nathan was named after his brother and sister. We didn't know the sex because there was no water. We dislike all gender neutral names, so that was out. I make a book of scriptures for all my children to read over them every night. I insert their names into the scriptures. I NEEDED a name. That, and the fact that I couldn't stand that we couldn't call Baby A anything. I felt terrible as it was about the possible outcome of his/her life. I just HAD to have a name. We both loved Natalie and Nathan. We loved the meaning of their names, and it was important to do the nursery to have the same letter so when we brought him/her home we would be all set in the room and his/her part wouldn't be left undone. So whether a girl or a boy, we had a name. Then, we had to make sure my father in law didn't mind Nathan's middle name being his even though there was a possibility of Nathan not making it. My father in law said he would be honored. It just fit. Nathan Richard. And when my first born son came into this world, Nathan Richard fit him perfectly. He was beautiful.

Nathan means "gift of God"

Richard means "powerful, strong ruler"

Malia Elizabeth came much more randomly. We threw around a few names that we both liked. There are few names my husband and I can agree on. We both like a name but disagreed on the spelling. Therefore, that name was out. One night, we were laying in bed and heard the name Malia on the t.v. We both said "Malia!". We looked up the meaning of Malia that night. We loved it. We called her that from them on. Elizabeth is my deceased grandmother's name. I have always, always, always loved that name. We thought it had a nice ring to it.

Malia means "calm and peaceful" (after all the kicking and

rolling and bouncing we were naming her

in hopes that she would live up to her name )

Elizabeth means "consecrated to God"

That is how we named our children. We named them long before we knew the outcome of the pregnancy, and I feel like in their short lives, they definitely lived up to their names.

letters to my children (part III)

dear nathan, my little peanut,

i have called you peanut since day one. you always measured smaller than your sister and brother. you were "baby a". you were hanging out on my cervix. it was always quite the feeling. i always felt like you were just about to fall out. your sister and brother were on top of you, always kicking you, and you in turn were always kicking mommy's cervix. i loved every single second of it! at just 14 weeks old, for some unknown reason, your water broke. mommy freaked out and called daddy because he was at work. we weren't convinced it was your water at first. no contractions came, no one's water breaks at 14 weeks right? mommy called your aunt becca and your aunt becca helped me panic a little. then we called the dr the next morning and went in. we did the test and it was negative, but that was so long after that it could have been a false negative. we went home relieved, only to find out a few days later on friday during the ultrasound that your water was gone. if only they had done an ultrasound that wednesday. not that it would have changed anything. but that glimmer of hope, i think, was worse to come off of on friday than it would have been had we found out sooner. i miss you terribly. you were so cute when you arrived. we were so incredibly hurt when we found out we'd lost you. until the moment we heard you no longer had a heartbeat, we believed you would pull through. you were such a fighter for 8 weeks. you tried so hard. daddy called you a troublemaker...in a teasing way, but that hurt mommy's feelings. i didn't want you to think you did anything wrong to cause any harm to anyone. you couldn't help it. God just needed you back before mommy could stand to let you go. you are my eldest son. i couldn't wait for a son. you were my first born son. i was so excited and proud when you were born. i was angry too. i couldn't believe it. i still can't. take care of your sister and brother up there. you are the oldest of all of them. don't let them give you any trouble! tell them mommy will straighten them out when heaven comes down if they do! i love you so so so so so much. missing you means missing a part of me. you have my heart little peanut!

love, mommy

letters to my children (part II)

Malia, my sweetheart,

mommy misses you. i think of you every single day, all day long. i miss kissing your sweet face. you looked just like mommy when you were born. i was so excited because everyone else looks just like your daddy! clones of daddy. you were so busy when you were in mommy's belly. you moved constantly, always kicking. from the very beginning almost i got to feel you. i said you were just like your sister. everything you did was just like your sister did. we said "oh no, another claire!". you even hid your face like your sister did. you would turn your back when the ultrasound tech would try to get a glimpse of you. stinker! i was so excited you were going to have a sister. sister's are so fun. you were sandwiched between your brothers, but you were such a spitfire. daddy and mommy joked that you would probably be tough and beat up your brothers. your older sister is a tough cookie, so you would have some competition. you came into this world with such force, and you still had a smile on your face. i am so glad i got to see you smile on this earth. i can't wait to kiss your lips again, and your sweet, sweet face. you sister kisses your urn every day, and mommy's necklace with ashes of you. she says "baby" and hugs and kisses you every day. can you feel it? i pray you can feel how loved you are from your family? i know nothing compares to the love of Jesus you must feel, but we love you so much. we can't wait to see you again! heaven can't come soon enough! smooches!

love, mommy

letters to my children

anthony jr, my little buddy,

i am thinking of you often. we call daddy anthony sr now. it made him cry at first, tears of pride though that his son carried his name. no matter how brief. i see your smiling face every night before i go to sleep. i like to think of you and all your siblings. i know you never met your oldest sister, you just felt her kisses and heard her yell to you, and feel her spank your booty from the outside....but she sure does love you. she kisses your urn, and my necklace i have with some of your ashes in it every day, multiple times a day. i like to think of all of you before i drift of too sleep. i'll admit, it's selfishly to have dreams about you and your brother and sister. you were coy about all you did. i remember thinking how quiet and reserved you were because i felt your sister kicking ALL.DAY.LONG, and your brother too, even though he didn't have fluid. you, i never really felt for the longest time. THEN, we would see you on the screen at our ultrasounds each week, and you were kicking your sister nonstop! you were such a stinker, your hand behind your head...gulping your "water"....kicking your sister. here i was thinking you were the sweet quiet type. you didn't have me fooled for long anthony thomas jr. you even came out with your cute little smile, and your hand behind your head. you probably "kicked" your sister out in front of you. you were a funny guy. just like your daddy. just like your oldest sister. a real "ball breaker" as daddy would put it. miss you buddy. miss you so much my heart hurts. a piece of me is missing because you aren't here with me. can't wait to see your face again. kiss your sweet head and those smiling lips! i love you, to heaven and back!

Giving...

UPDATE: Here's the link

Give for Abby

that baby Abby that I have mentioned before on my blog, she is just struggling right now. she had to get a new drain put in because of the fluid and swelling and infection. i don't know a ton of details, but i do know that this little baby doesn't deserve this struggle. it just breaks my heart to know of anyone suffering, especially a baby. there is a fundraiser right now to raise money for medical costs. i can't get the link to load, so i will try later, but if you are a facebook friend of mine, you can go to it from my facebook page. you click on the link and it will tell you how you can give. please, if you can't give, at least pray for this beautiful daughter of God.

learning how to dance again

i read, i watch sermons online, i listen to pastors on the radio. i'm trying to grow. i am trying to find purpose in my life, and in my journey. i don't want my life to be in vain. i don't want my life experiences to be in vain. i know the word of God says that He turns our mourning into dancing. i'm trying to learn how to dance. mourning is easy. it's there. every day, sometimes all day. the dancing....that part is hard. feeling happy about dancing....even more hard. guilt comes easy. like life shouldn't go on from the mourning. but i know what the truth is. and it's all about the grace of God and the mercy of Christ that covers each and every one of His children...through darkness, trials and valleys, as well as light, times of peace and mountain tops. dancing is what happens in between. you don't dance when you are in the valley. at least i don't. you are broken. your body doesn't work the way it was created. you weep. you seclude yourself, you lay in a ball on the floor. when you are on the mountaintop, you shout with joy, you dance around, you tell anyone and everyone who will listen. it's hard to dance sometimes though. even on the way up to that mountaintop. so, i read. i watch sermons online, i listen to pastors. i try to gain wisdom and direction on how to dance. sometimes you just have to force yourself. it may not look pretty at first. you may not be in step or have rhythm. but as you keep practicing, learning, trying, you get it. pretty soon your dancing is beautiful, and your steps are in tune with the steps of your creator. it takes a lot of practice though. sometimes more than other times. so i believe that dancing comes after mourning. and i'm trying to learn how to dance again.

Serving...and Bunny Trails

my husband is very good at it. he has been amazing this past week. i have been ordered out of work and to pretty much not move and keep my foot up for the next while. it's been absolute torture on me. i keep thinking of the bright side, being that i get to spend everyday with the loves of my life, snuggling, playing, and just being together. yesterday, i had a bad attitude. a very bad attitude. i didn't think i would miss going to work so much, but it's more than that. i feel like life just keeps handing me and my family more and more difficult situations to figure out and maneuver around. i feel like i just need a break. like a simple, wake up, go through the day, come home and do it all again simplicity kind of break. that's what my bad attitude was mostly about. i'm feeling "punished" which of course i know isn't true...but i FEEL that way. nothing is easy, nothing is predictable, and that annoys me. it seems like some people just have that mundane, easy sort of life. they complain about doing the same things over and over again and want to spice up their lives....me on the other hand....i long for mundane. i long to not read into everything, and try to avoid awkward situations that will come throughout my day...i long for predictable.

well, that was a bunny trail...back to serving. my husband is amazing. he has been thrust into the position of being single parent yet again. he has to bath, lift, feed, put to bed, etc my daughter, while i sit on the sidelines and try to reprimand her from a 200ft distance. she's not a dummy, she knows i can't get up to correct her. my husband it taking it so well though. when i need my meds, he's on it. when i need a drink, something to eat, he's on it. laundry, he's been getting it put away, dishes washed and put away. vacuuming, swiffering, dusting, cleaning bathrooms...he's been doing it all. i try to do little things, and he has me stay put. this morning, he made me breakfast, coffee, let me stay in bed (i don't sleep well since i have to stay in one position all night long). his back was sore, so i made an appointment with our chiropractor. he left and did some errands while my daughter and i just played and had a fun morning. my husband came home with flowers and donuts. he really knows how to take care of me. he's a hard working man, and i love that he takes pride in serving. he always says to love is to serve, and he makes sure he lives by that as well. i love him. he's my knight in shining armor! i will miss this pampering when i return to having 2 working legs!