"Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year
Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share
Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there
Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year..."
Christmas time used to be filled with so much joy and excitement for me. I looked forward to every tradition, seeing family, exchanging presents, Christmas service, all of it. Parties leading up to it, the leftovers after Christmas day actually came, listening to Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas day, every single thing about the Christmas season was filled with wonder and awe for me. I was like a giddy child, even into my adulthood.
The past couple of years though, that excitement, giddiness, joy, it's dwindled. We still go through and do most traditions, I still try to make the season filled with excitement and joy for my children, but my smiles, my squeals, they are mostly just forced. I don't enjoy it too much anymore because I walk around with pieces of me missing. I just don't feel like I can have traditions when half my family isn't here.
I am always trying to find ways to include Nathan, Malia and Anthony Jr into the Christmas season. This year, I made an ornament again. Also, our family did a toy drive at my place of work to be donated to the hospital in memory of the triplets. I was overwhelmed at how many participated, and even friends and family from outside of work stopped at my house to drop off toys. It made my heart happy to know that others were giving in memory of my children. We also did a few things at our church, giving back from each of our children. I also made memory ornaments for each of them to hang on our tree.
This year, as it's been 3 Christmas' without my entire family, the anxiety is just as high. The want to avoid the holiday and bunker down with just my family and all the snuggles one can handle is just as great. But, my husband is the opposite. He wants to have big family events. Have lots of food and fun. So I oblige. Claire loves "parties", Dominic is pretty indifferent. It's funny. Claire is just like her dad, and Dominic is just like me. He's happy as long as he has his mommy, daddy and sister. He needs no one else. He actually prefers no one else. Maybe we'll be bah humbugs together!
I'm trying to feel festive. I'm trying to find my "Christmas spirit", and while it is getting a bit easier to relax and enjoy moments, those moments are still not as many as they used to be. Maybe in future years Christmas will look like it used to, or at least more of a resemblance to Christmas' past, but for now it's still a struggle in my heart to get through the Christmas season. I'm mostly ok with it though. I take more time to remember my children that aren't here. I have made new friends that understand my heart. They check in and make this season a little easier. They help me feel like I'm not alone, and not crazy. I'm sure that it will never be the same....and until that day when I see them face to face in heaven, my heart will feel this emptiness, especially around this season. They sure make it a bit easier though!
We had our Christmas services at church this past weekend. All the children were dressed to the nine's. The church was decorated in such beautiful garb. The message was touching and delivered with such grace. My heart got into what Christmas was all about for that time. Jesus pulled me closer to Him. Settled my heart and my mind. Spoke to my spirit. I had peace. For an hour my body relaxed and my mind stayed on Him. The reason we celebrate Christmas. Sometimes, I wish those moments wouldn't end. It's like a little bit of heaven here on earth. I feel His presence, I drink in His grace, and He touches my wounded heart. I am so thankful that Jesus came to this earth as a baby. I'm so thankful that in all His wonder, the gift that He has given to me is more than just getting to see my babies again. He's given me eternal life with them, and more importantly, eternal life with Him. The one who knitted each of them together.
Merry Christmas, broken or not. From my family to yours.
This year, as it's been 3 Christmas' without my entire family, the anxiety is just as high. The want to avoid the holiday and bunker down with just my family and all the snuggles one can handle is just as great. But, my husband is the opposite. He wants to have big family events. Have lots of food and fun. So I oblige. Claire loves "parties", Dominic is pretty indifferent. It's funny. Claire is just like her dad, and Dominic is just like me. He's happy as long as he has his mommy, daddy and sister. He needs no one else. He actually prefers no one else. Maybe we'll be bah humbugs together!
I'm trying to feel festive. I'm trying to find my "Christmas spirit", and while it is getting a bit easier to relax and enjoy moments, those moments are still not as many as they used to be. Maybe in future years Christmas will look like it used to, or at least more of a resemblance to Christmas' past, but for now it's still a struggle in my heart to get through the Christmas season. I'm mostly ok with it though. I take more time to remember my children that aren't here. I have made new friends that understand my heart. They check in and make this season a little easier. They help me feel like I'm not alone, and not crazy. I'm sure that it will never be the same....and until that day when I see them face to face in heaven, my heart will feel this emptiness, especially around this season. They sure make it a bit easier though!
We had our Christmas services at church this past weekend. All the children were dressed to the nine's. The church was decorated in such beautiful garb. The message was touching and delivered with such grace. My heart got into what Christmas was all about for that time. Jesus pulled me closer to Him. Settled my heart and my mind. Spoke to my spirit. I had peace. For an hour my body relaxed and my mind stayed on Him. The reason we celebrate Christmas. Sometimes, I wish those moments wouldn't end. It's like a little bit of heaven here on earth. I feel His presence, I drink in His grace, and He touches my wounded heart. I am so thankful that Jesus came to this earth as a baby. I'm so thankful that in all His wonder, the gift that He has given to me is more than just getting to see my babies again. He's given me eternal life with them, and more importantly, eternal life with Him. The one who knitted each of them together.
Merry Christmas, broken or not. From my family to yours.
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