Life

Lately, it's been so chaotic each day blends into the last. So much has been going on and I have been under so much stress lately, that I don't know which end is up most days. We were going to keep it on the DL when we were going to start fertility drugs again to try to conceive our next child. We wanted to start trying when Claire was 6 months old, which put us at the beginning of December. I weaned Claire off nursing, and cried the entire time. I literally enjoyed every second of nursing her, and wish I could still be nursing! We started in December and our dr jumped right in with the shots, not wasting any precious time. That cycle lasted almost 2 months. Shots every single day, blood work every couple of days, and ultrasounds to check on my ovaries in between. Nothing good was happening. I had hundreds of thousands of follicles growing at the same rate. Our dr called in another dr to confer that it was just too dangerous for us to go on. We had to abandon that cycle. Needles and bruises, and emotional roller coasters for nothing. It was upsetting, to say the least. I cried, Anthony was my rock. "In perfect timing" he kept reminding me. "God doesn't want our child to be friends with the children that would have been born at that time" he jested. Always faithful, never wavering. I, on the other hand, shook my fist at God. "Why does it have to be such an ordeal?", "Why can't we just get pregnant like normal people?". My faith wavered. My body took a couple weeks off from all the drugs and shots, and we started again at the middle of February. Shots every single day, blood work every couple of days and ultrasounds in between. Again, hundreds of thousands of follicles growing. "Way too dangerous" the dr's kept saying. They didn't want to risk it, and frankly, neither did I. The dr began to talk about if I lived in states like Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maine, IVF would be paid for through insurance because of the difficult case that I am, but in New York, no. You had to come up with the money on your own. It's about $10,000. I left the office alone, and in tears. My faith was crushed, my hope was crushed, my dreams of a big family flew away quicker than I could grab them and pull them back in. I called Anthony at work and could barely get the words out. He still was a rock. Firmly believing that God would give us our dream in His perfect time. We were leaving for vacation 3 days later. A much needed time away from our "reality" at this point. I wanted a break from the shots, I wanted a break from the disappointment, the trying to put on a happy front when I was crushed and defeated inside. I pray everyday for my ovaries to work the way God created ovaries to work, that my body would fall into line with being fruitful and multiplying, and every day was moving me further from that I felt. My dr called me while I was on vacation. She wanted to encourage me (I LOVE my dr), and tell me that there was still hope. That it was a matter of perseverance, and not an "if", but a "when" this will all happen. We would switch to a new drug and try again when I returned home. I had a week to regroup, to pray, to renew my strength emotionally to go after this another time. I actually didn't think about it again while on vacation. I enjoyed every waking moment with my daughter, watching her break through 3 teeth, stand on her own for a few seconds, crawl at rates faster than the speed of light, play with her cousins with such a glow of joy on her face, and learn to say mama. She had the stomach bug through this all. She was smiles and squeals of joy when she wasn't getting sick. She is our little miracle, and we realize it more and more as each day goes by. We returned home Friday afternoon. It was literally the craziest day ever (a blog all in it's own right!). We talked to the dr and started our new meds yesterday. This will be round 3, and we are praying for success. I would like to say my faith won't waiver. I am working on that. I would like to say this drug will work, only God knows that. I would like to say that my infertility would go away and I could "accidentally" get pregnant ( I HATE when people say they were surprised, or it was an accident!!!), only God knows that as well. One day I pray that I wake up, no trying was involved, no shots, no drugs, no blood work, no needles, and I take a pregnancy test and it's positive. I am still holding out hope for that day. I would be lying if I said that the needles didn't hurt, that my thigh isn't a wonderful array of blues and yellows and greens, that match my arm as well. It's not fun, exciting, interesting, or wonderful to get these shots. It's scary, painful, nerve-wrecking, and emotionally draining. I say all this, take it off the DL, because we need prayer.

"Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I will be also" Matt. 18:20

The more prayers the better. Couldn't hurt right?